the path is the goal...

[zig]

hi KD - just catching up on my responses , sorry it took so long to get back to you - but you'll be pleased to know that i was busy GAL'ing all weekend and also since s is back with me since friday - a lot less time

thanks for your wonderful advice -i will read it over and over

So, LRT as described in the book may work for you, but you may get better value out of a slight modification of it...

.yes i'm thinking that now after he screamed what i know in his mind is the worst, if i pull back too much and go dark, it will be worse. i need to still stay pleasant , open and okay - i know that that is his idea of how he wants me to be - consistent, no matter what. at the same time i can firmly set my boundaries and detach and move on, but always being pleasant.

So as you mention above that you did not think LRT or dim was working for you... when you thought about it, you came to a realization that there were results... you just were looking out the wrong window at first, looking for them...

i thought until now, that the results were in terms of his reactions and behavior. can i say it's working because, i see him opening up a bit, even while he seems to be moving away (buying house = step away - his words).

so i shouldn't just see it in terms of how he is responding, but how much better it is for me?

Maybe you don't know what you want in the big picture... maybe your goals have changed... just because we choose to stand NOW... does not mean we have to... or will want to... tomorrow... or six months from now... and it's OK to change our goals and our minds...

you're right and i'm beginning to feel that myself. i still very much want to R our marriage, but i don't know if i would feel that if he's still in the same place 8 mod. from now with absolutely no positive developments between us

Be more precise with your goals if that might help. Rather than saying, "I want to R with my H." You might say, "I want H and I to talk about s on a regular basis and I do not want to argue with H in a way that I feel so frustrated that I yell."


yes i have to set these goals. i'm not really sure what are the most achievable ones maybe:
1. i want us to be able to have a conversation about what we don't agree about and be able to resolve it successfully without h yelling and screaming
2. i want to be able to figure out for myself how i want to move forward - allow him to "be around" as in helping with heavy stuff in the house etc.,or become super independent.
3. i want to focus on myself and my work and just let things be, add more structure to my days and keep moving forward

Those little goals are quite measurable. As you find a way to achieve those goals and as you achieve your small goals, you will feel better about yourself and the sitch. And those little goals are likely taking you towards your big goal, even if you had not yet been able to articulate what that big goal is.


i know the goals above - 2 of them are more about me, but right now i can't think past that - i could write i want us 3 to spend more time together but right now i don't want it. after him being so nice last weekend and then the house and D thing - i need a little space here

And again... Do what works... stop what doesn't... do something for at least two weeks before measuring results if you see positive results, keep doing it... and if you see negative results... stop doing it...
i guess i can't really tell what works - maybe it can't be seen yet - seems like he is becoming more loud and determined about this - or is this just usual - the more they doubt the more they scream?