Thanks AJM...I appreciate your point of view and advice. It helps me put things in a different perspective.
Yes it's occured to me since he left that he's happier getting rid of me...so happy infact that he moved in OW...but still wants to be friends with me. I've told him 3 times since we split that I didn't want to be friends with him. But he continues to act like it, and me being the person I am, find it extremely difficult to remain distant, cool, and detatched from someone that's purposely being nice to me. Its not my nature. But interacting with him in a friendly manner just makes me feel worse about myself, because I feel controlled. I feel like I have to be nice back, and I have to be friends with him because I have to do this for the kids. All in all...Im trying to please everyone, but myself.
Over the last week I've really started shifting into the thoughts of how we teach people how to treat us.Your input AJM was just what I needed to hear. I never stopped to think that just because he left, did and said certain things doesn't mean that it has ended...and maybe it really hasn't ended for him in some aspects. Maybe he's the one that really hasn't accepted what being "done" really means.
Quite frankly I think that's why Im so damn frustrated, angry and resentful. If it's over, and we're divorced, this needs to be treated like divorce. I've had that mindset all along, but he has fought me tooth and nail on it believe it or not.I remember telling him this back in the fall.I told him we were getting divorced and it was time he and I started acting like it. I was accused of always changing the rules and never being able to make up my mind whenever I would start a new boundary. He was furious with me when I put my foot down about him coming over to the house and picking up the girls for school, or dropping them off lunch without a word to me or them, and just showing up. He used to just come over during summer vacation and take off with them for the afternoon and I'd be the last to know...via text by the kids. He would make plans and tell me what he was going to do last minute, AFTER HE GOT THE CHILDREN ALL PUMPED UP and then say " I hope this is ok". He just didn't seem to grasp the concept we were getting divorced, and that this is NOT HOW WEL ROLL ANYMORE.
When I put my foot down, lord did I get rebellion and spew...just like a teenager getting pissed off for getting the car keys taken away or something. I couldn't believe it. I was accused of controlling every moment he has with the kids and controlling whether he saw them or not. I was accused of making him jump through hoops and to beg to see the kids and he was going to refuse to do it. LOL....and all I asked him to do was to check in with me before making plans with the girls, because the girls and I have plans together too!
No AJM, it doesn't make me angry at all that I have to be the one that ends it. Quite frankly it's empowering to me. It gives me a sense of power that I have felt taken away from me when he left. But I was the one that gave it to him in the first place, I just didn't know it. I gave so much power to him over the years, I literally lost myself. I felt like I still had to do everything to still please him to #1. Try and get him back. #2.Be fair to him since he's the other parent. #3.Get any cooperation in child support from him.
But I don't have to do that anymore.
Once again its all in how you look at things. I've spent many years looking at things from a caregiver point of view for everyone. But I forgot to take care of myself.
