And there she goes again.....that Snodderly nails it every time!
Golf Mom, it takes some time for it to sink iin, and grasp at first. I know it did for me. I just couldn't wrap my head around this sort of stuff. I think part of it for me was that I didn't really want to accept just how twisted my MlCer's thinking had become. I mean it's disturbing to see how they rationalize everything by blaming us. But remember we are not to blame for all of this. Only a severely dysfunctional person would blame everything wrong in their lives on their spouse.
I agree with Snodderly, if they had issues with things back then, it was back then they should've been addressed, not now. We are not mind readers, but they like to blame us for not being mind readers. Been there, done that, oh boy howdy have I.
Golf Mom you and I both got the song and dance about how we were so controlling and took over everything as we did our roles as SAHM. Of course it was never your intention to conquer the house as if you were a dictator and he some pitiful subject to do as he was told. You were a family, working together as a family for the best interest of your children. MLCers re write history and have selective memories. I remember talking to XH about issues after he left and I was just dumbfounded of his perspective and memory. He then said to me "well you and I seem to remember things very differently and completely blame eachother for everything". And I wasn't even blaming him for anything during the conversation, yet he accused me of blaming him for everything....this is projection of course.
I did get the criticism about the house, and the way I was cooking. Didn't get any criticism about the way I dressed or looked though, but Im sure that was on the tip of his tonque next. Now I do agree with him, I am not a good housekeeper anymore now that Im working. However H never lifted a finger to do the dishes, mow the lawn, help with laundry (except his own), feed the animals, wash the vehicles, or even clean up his own garage or shop. The one time I saw his apartment he said to me " well it's not as nice as the other apartment I wanted, but at least it's CLEAN". Well his floor needed swept, toilet wiped down, bathroom counter wiped off, and bathroom and kitchen rug needed washed as far as I was concerned.
Do you still have contact with H? Are you still emailing and texting? Still having R talks? No contact is the best advice I could offer. I know it really helped me get where I needed to be. It was the hardest part of everything but my self esteem really started to grow when I began to live my life without him in it, except knowing he was still seeing the kids. Then he started contact with me again on a spewing basis and next thing you know I started emotionally doing backslides from where I was at. But it's par for the course.
And once you really get a firm grasp that this truly is ALL about them....then the things that hurt so much, don't really hurt that much anymore.
Have you read the MLC for Dummies yet? It's the best thing you could read now! It's spot on, but hilarious!I've read that many times and still do every now and then because it's so true.
