where the wind blows.. nobody knows...

[BFloat]

i am back from my RV weekend. and what an emotionally draining weekend it was.

H and i are not at the point of R. and he is still saying that he needs to be on his own because he feels we've tried everything with counseling etc and couldn't make it work. we had a lot to talk about this weekend.

the thing is.. i'm ok. because i opened my heart to the experience. and i can see the firm resolve cracking a bit as H is given more information about the effects on the kids.. his responsibilities in the demise of our relationship.. my responsibilities as well.. and that ultimately.. it is all about choice. and he is facing the fact that it was his choice to leave.. never mine. i swallowed my pride and ego in order to fight for what i believed was best for my babies.. and some of H's statements of wanting to do the same has been questioned.

ie.. i felt it was contradicting to say he would do anything for the kids and yet wasn't willing to work on the marriage... when i said i deserved better.. he said.. i know. this was part of a conversation how i said i never wanted D to feel like i have. that she deserved better to which he agreed. and then i said.. i deserved better.. and he agreed.

so... where does that leave us? i don't know. but i feel that question doesn't need to be answered today. i am committed to doing the 6 week post sessions. H has said he will go as well (for the sole purpose of learning to communicate for the kids). i emailed some of the presenting couples to let them know where we stood and they encouraged me to keep going because healing takes place at different paces for everyone. and that there was much to learn in the next few weeks which would teach us how to communicate better which is usually the big hinderance in healing. the inability to communicate w/out blame and judgement. we shall see.

i opened up to my FIL as well on friday night. he wanted to give me a hug and i was okay with it. he tells me all the time that he loves me but i have never reciprocated because it's not that i don't love him.. i'm just.. shy. lol.

but i sent my FIL message today saying that i welcomed his hugs. and that although i don't say it.. i truly love him because he has become my father figure since my own passed away. he sent me a message back that he has always had a special place in his heart for me and whatever i needed.. he would be there. i know he has been praying and hoping H and i could work things out. he truly is still so torn over his own marriage ending w/ MIL. a little sad that H is so set is his own resolve that he can not see these things.

anyway.. i am sort of rambling now. tired. nice to be home. cleaning.. because i feel like new life has been breathed into me. i'm not sure which direction i'm headed.. but it feels good to not feel so stagnant.