Do I just give in?

[Accuray]

Hurt84,

You are panicking right now, and when you panic, you tend to act without thinking. That's okay, it's normal to feel that way. I only point it out because if you can step back and *see* that you're panicking, it can help you to deal with it.

I read some interesting research that talked about the fact that feeling "in love" is directly linked to feeling "out of control". It is that out of control feeling that leads to a desire to bond. When you're dating, there's an element of risk because you don't know what the other person will do next, you need to work to stay involved, etc. This makes you feel "in love". When your W leaves you, you once again feel completely out of control, and this triggers a big dose of that "in love" feeling. That's why you're obsessing about her. You can seek to counteract that by pursuing things that make YOU feel in control. Anything that allows you to set goals, check in every week and see progress is going to help get your feet back under you.

The second thing to be aware of is that your wife cannot will herself to want to be back with you. There's nothing she can do consciously to conjure those feelings up, and that's why begging, pleading, convincing, and family influence don't work at all. What do you need to do to get those feelings back? You need to be:

1) confident
2) happy
3) slightly mysterious

If your presentation to W is not fitting into these 3 categories consistently, you're prolonging your pain. People are often afraid that if they don't demonstrate their love, they'll drive their partner away. Unfortunately, demonstrating your love is needy, not confident, when your spouse has walked away, so it does nothing to win them back.

Looking at the three points above:

Confidence: When W leaves your self esteem takes a big hit. Your confidence is based in your self-impression, and the reaction others have to you. If you define your worth by your wife's reaction, then her leaving punches you down in both categories, and you struggle to get her approval and interest back to pick you up in both areas. When she doesn't respond to you, you feel even worse and a death spiral ensues. In DB, we recommend GAL and 180 to help restore your self-confidence independent of W. By interacting with others and seeing how they value you, and by taking pride in your own activities and accomplishments, you can start to "get your mojo back", and you must get it back *before* you can fix your marriage, you can't expect to fix your marriage in order to restore your mojo.

If you're old enough to remember the movie "Fast Times at Ridgemont High", Dimone summed it up "The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude." That's self-confidence, you are happy with you, no matter what she does.

Happiness: People want to be around people who are happy, and to avoid people who are unhappy. If you present unhappiness to W when you interact, you'll have a black cloud over your head, and she'll want to avoid you. In DB we recommend "act as if", which is to say that if your GAL activities and 180's are not making you happy when W is around, then fake it until you make it.

Mystery: Many LBS' make the mistake of showing all their cards, of telling their wayward spouse what they are thinking and feeling at every turn. This gets old and tiresome quickly. If they know exactly how you feel and what you'll do or say, then you're entirely predictable, and they have no reason to think about you at all. You're easily out of mind. Now if you change things up by getting a new haircut, dressing differently, going out when you would normally stay in, make some new friends, etc. etc. and do not explain what you're doing or why, you start to cultivate some interest. Do not lay your cards on the table, hold them close to your vest. Make her wonder what you're thinking and what you're up to. I often notice that the best thing that can happen is for W to call you and hear voices, music and good times in the background. If she asks where you are, you tell her you're "out" and leave it at that.

Ironically, this advice can be seen as counter-DB, because in many ways it's putting on a show to get W back. I offer it up because when you're in panic mode, you want to be doing *something* productive, and these are things you can do, that are consistent with DB. If you *really* want to DB, then you look at yourself critically and decide what changes you want to make *for yourself* regardless of what W does. Then you make those changes, and you make them when no one is watching, and you don't care if anyone notices, because they are FOR YOU. That is your goal, that's where you want to get. If you can do that, everything else falls into place, but you have to get there mentally first.

In answer to your question, if your W's family comes to you to talk, the best thing you can do is to tell them at a high level that you love your wife, that you want the marriage to work out, and that you're willing to do the work required. Beyond that you should tell them that W needs their support right now and you don't want her to feel you are talking to them behind her back. Having her sister or her mother "on her case" really won't help you. If she moved back in because her mother told her to, would that be a victory to you? You want her back because she WANTS to be back.

Your W is *very* conflicted and I think you have a very good chance of turning this around if you can force yourself to back off. If she wanted out, she certainly wouldn't want you to come along to help her look at apartments, she'd take a friend.

Most people will advise you to stay living together if at all possible. If its not, then do not help her move away. Don't help her figure out the finances, don't help her with apartment hunting. You don't want it to be easier to live without you, you want it to be harder.

WRT your vacation together, that will be great if you can DB, but will be risky if you can't. I will warn you that based on how you're feeling, it may be very hard to pull off without backsliding. You can have NO relationship discussions, you can pepper in no little comments about how things would be better if you were back together, you cannot present unhappiness etc. etc. Are you up for that? If not, make different vacation plans that don't include W, but do NOT sit home alone while she goes on vacation.

You can do this, W is trying to leave the door cracked open, but wants some space. Give it to her and back WAY OFF. Pursuing and discussing WILL NOT WORK!

Accuray