I understand what you are saying and where you are coming from Kaffe. There are some behaviors that are destructive and unhealthy that he will not give up. It is a boundary issue and I need to hold firm to it for the safety of myself and the boys. Trust me I don't take this lightly as I have been down this road before and know how hard it is. I really do appreciate your feedback, its good to hear.
From as I read your description above, you actually did believe that your M was done. No matter how emotional it was... how much you did not want it... how much you may have been emotionally on both sides of the fence...
You actually believed... BELIEVED... that your M was about to end in a D...
I truly believe that is where everyone's mind should be when they file.
I am quite certain that is what Autumn is thinking...
I just want to be sure...
One can't really live... unless they know they are truly... already dead...
[edited by dbmod: outside links are not allowed]
You reminded me of that very powerful scene from that movie. I have seen it said that the "You're Already Dead" -- along with "The Stockdale Paradox" -- is actually the kind of place you have to get to, emotionally, in order to successfully fight for a marriage torn by infidelity and/or other forms of abuse.
Here's the Stockdale Paradox, which I like even better for DBing, because it captures my own blend of optimism and no-nonsense approach:
Stockdale then added:
"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
Yup, and that's exactly where my head is at for my sitch.
Maybe it is just me, this thread looks like D as a threat... or any of this... to an outsider... perhaps a newbie... could be perceived as a tactic...
"oh look, so and so threatened D and that worked. I should threaten D..."
I do think maybe this is "just you," Kaffe -- maybe your own triggers at work here? You wouldn't be the first. I would never, EVER suggest something as serious as filing for a divorce to be used as a tactic or even a strategy. I happen to take the Biblican view of wedding vows, for one thing, and that would never allow me to suggest such a thing.
Wel, I can be your butt head... lol!
