I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I often wonder the same thing...why do I want a mans who is so selfish and is not comfortable with himself and consistently shows me he does not want me? Then I come to the answer that I love him and cant just turn off my feelings even after all the hurt he has out me through.
My h too runs from reality whenever life gets tough. From the look of our stitch time frames they happened around the same time. Db claims patience is our best friend and in all reality it has only been two months so maybe we Ned to give it more time.
I wish the very best for you and hope you find happiness!
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Thanks, H&P. I know H is probably putting on an act to show me he doesn't care and I can't mind read but actions speak louder than words.
I backslid a bit this morning. H is home today waiting on the plumber to come fix the hot water heater. He asked me to leave him the checkbook before he went to bed, which I took out of my purse last night and placed on the microwave, which is where I put things when I want to remember where they are. When I got to bed he asked me if I left him the checkbook, I said yes.
So this morning, I was getting the kids ready for school and he snaps "Why didn't you tell me you put the checkbook on the microwave?" I said "what do you mean?" He says "I would have been scrambling looking all over for it. Why didn't you tell me it was there?" I couldn't help myself. I said, "Well, did you ask?" He snaps back "I am asking now." I said, "Well, it's on the microwave. Why are you so upset?" He says "I am not upset." I said, "Okay. Well, I am sorry I didn't specifically tell you it was on the microwave. That is where I normally put those things. I thought you knew that."
I am so tired of the roller coaster. But you are right. I do love him and I am not the one who chose to leave the marriage. It just angers me when he acts like super dad in front of the kids. It is just so fake. And then he makes himself scarce so that when he is actually home the kids just fawn over him. I just kept looking at him this morning like who are you?? And why did I marry you? Those wonderful qualities are fading from memory especially with the way he has treated me lately.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
WH - just caught up on your thread and I really relate to much of what you are feeling.
I have mentioned before that I think most C are quacks. But it sounds to me like you found a good C who recognizes that your H is not living in reality. That is really important. It took me a while to find someone that recognized that H was in crisis.
Your H is doing the same thing they all do and looking for justifications for his unforgivable actions. If you said the check book is on the microwave he would have said "dont you think I know where you leave things? do you think I'm an idiot" He is looking for reasons to call you unreasonable. He did the same thing the day of your D soccer game.
He is being a passive aggressive jerk. Unfortunately you cant call him on it. Try to be as loving as humanly possible and pray that he sees the light. He is as sick right now as someone with cancer.
""Who are you??""
That is a very good question. This is not your H, he is a diseased man and today we dont know if there is a cure that can bring your H back.
Hang in there. Be the best WH you can be
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks, Brooklyn. I needed that. Some days I just get so worked up and angry that I lose track of DB. Mornings are hard for me. I am not a morning person and it was especially hard this morning with him being there. Usually he has already left for work by that time. I just wanted to get out of the house fast as possible before I lost it.
Yes, H is sick. Sick in the head. But I have a quick temper and can be very defensive which I am trying to 180. Some days it is hard. He especially knows I am not a morning person which may be another reason he was trying to push my buttons.
And I do love my counselor. His practice is Christian based and from the moment I told him of my sitch he started asking questions about H that were so eerie. I kept saying "yes, he does that." "Yes, that as well". He has hit the nail on the head completely.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
So now H has called me at work and says his mom told him I have been calling his sister and asking for advice with our situation. Tells me "oh I am not angry with you, but I told my sister to mind her own business and not talk to you anymore."
I told him #1) I have nothing to hide and #2) I did not initiate the contact with your sister. She asked me what was going on between us and I was honest and told her the truth. He said he believed me 1000% over his sister and he just wanted to warn me that she would probably call me at work and talk to me because he told her off.
I probably should not have told her what was going on, but she and I have always been close and I think she suspected as much anyway.
I just don't appreciate him calling me at work to discuss this situation. He was on the defensive and kept saying how he wasn't upset with me, but he clearly was trying to throw a monkey wrench in my day and throw me off focus and perhaps trying to bait me into a fight. I didn't take the bait, but I am still ticked off. Why did I marry into this crazy family and why oh why am I standing for this marriage!!! Especially when it is completely clear he fully intends to get this divorce!!! ARRRRRGGGGG!!!!
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
So did a bit of 180/GAL tonight. Since H was home and taking S to soccer and picking up H from daycare I decided to work a little later and take my time getting home. Normally I rush home to take care of things but I thought he wants this D so let him see what life is like. I took the scenic route home. Parked in a parking lot and called a few friends to chat. Stopped at the library And dropped off some books and stopped at a few shops. It was nice not having to rush for a change.
I called H at 6:00 and told him I was picking up S from soccer and hung up right away. He seemed kind of surprised. It was funny that the tides were turned for once.
Got home and D was thrilled to see me. She made 2 pictures of flowers for me at school. Lots of hugs and kisses too! : )
I warmed up pizza for S and made smalltalk with H. He had fixed my diamond necklace he bought me years ago and I asked him to help me put it on. He tried unsuccessfully to get D to eat and I didn't intervene. 15 minutes later I talked to her and she picked out her piece of pizza. I think it bothered him that I could convince her and he couldn't.
He went upstairs and ended up cleaning the toilets which shocked me. He has never cleaned them in the 14 years we have been together.
Not looking into it because he just left to get a new black ink cartridge so he can print out D paperwork to turn in.
Just don't know what to think. I am so worried about this impending D. I try to take things one day at a time but it is so ovewhelming. I just don't understand why he is so dead set for D. Like he can't wait to get rid of me. : (
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Last night when I got home I did a great job on acting "as if" and with my 180s. He had let D have candy which gave her a tummy ache, but I said nothing. He left the kids backpacks and papers all over the table, but I didn't sweat it. I was just happy to see my kids and the dog. : )
After dinner, took the laundry upstairs to fold it (two loads worth so I needed lots of room). Took my time, was whistling and singing as I did. After a while H got nosy and came upstairs in the guise of "checking on the toilets" that he cleaned. Yeah right, he wondered what I was up to. I finished those loads and went downstairs to get the next load out of the dryer. He asked if I was finished upstairs and I said nope. Still have more.
I think it is very odd how the "happier" I am (or if I am the woman only a fool would leave) the more miserable and angry H seems to be. If I am down and upset, he acts like he doesn't have a care in the world.
So last night at 10:45 as I am coming to bed H asks if I want to go over the paperwork he printed out. I said no, I am tired and I am going to sleep. He says okay. So then he starts snoring LOUDLY in my ear. I nudge him and he says "I'm sorry. If I do that again, just let me know." I said, "How about I put a pillow over your face and hold it there until you stop?" He laughed. I didn't.
He tried to barrage me again this morning with questions about the paperwork. I pretended to be asleep and not hear him and just kept a smile on my face. Nice to know that the more loving and wonderful I am the more ticked off he gets.
I just can't win.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Feeling strong all day and then boom...a down period. I hate this roller coaster. Just when I think I am starting to detach I find something else to suck me back in. Today obsessing about OW and our marriage vows. Keep thinking about how we were always the "it" couple. Other couples used to comment how happy we were and how great we were together.
I know I need to "thought stop" but in my defense I am still relatively new at this.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
"Why did I marry into this crazy family and why oh why am I standing for this marriage!!! Especially when it is completely clear he fully intends to get this divorce!!! ARRRRRGGGGG!!!!"
"Just don't know what to think. I am so worried about this impending D. I try to take things one day at a time but it is so ovewhelming. I just don't understand why he is so dead set for D. Like he can't wait to get rid of me. : ("
"I think it is very odd how the "happier" I am (or if I am the woman only a fool would leave) the more miserable and angry H seems to be. If I am down and upset, he acts like he doesn't have a care in the world."
Originally Posted By: wishing, hoping
Feeling strong all day and then boom...a down period. I hate this roller coaster. Just when I think I am starting to detach I find something else to suck me back in. Today obsessing about OW and our marriage vows. Keep thinking about how we were always the "it" couple. Other couples used to comment how happy we were and how great we were together.
I know I need to "thought stop" but in my defense I am still relatively new at this.
WH Just wanted to say that the above could have come out of my mouth. I SO know what you are feeling.
It helps me to know that I am not alone in feeling this way, and I hope it helps you to know that too.
Not sure if I should keep on being happy/acting 'as if' and doing the lovingly distancing thing given that it seems to produce a negative reaction from my H. But really, other than pursuing, what is the alternative?
