After several months of tense feelings, and a handful of bomb droppings, W left me to live with MIL. She was pushed over the edge by my attempts to control her - in this particular case, turning the internet off after she paid to have it turned back on.
At first, she was going to stay with me during the holidays to soften the blow of divorce on our families, but after a week or so, we agreed to separate first and she'd go ahead and leave after Thanksgiving.
I had the typical LBS reaction, complete with begging and pleading, a complete lack of dignity in the situation. Of course, it didn't do anything to help the situation. If anything, it made W's flight all the more urgent.
The first week of her absence was one of apathy and a complete lack of motivation to live my life as an individual. My parents did what they could to help me out, feeding me dinner, helping me with gas, helping me get enrolled in Tai Chi, etc... it helped keep me going when I otherwise probably would have just continued to waste away.
I didn't even notice the holiday season; I was too focused on my sitch to be able to process anything else. I found more than a little relief and respite from spending time with my 2YO S. Thankfully, W was being fair about visitation, splitting our time as much as my schedule would allow.
The few interactions I had with W following our separation came only when it was time for S to transition from one of us to the other. Since the transition frequently occurred on days that we both worked, I rarely saw her, even on those days, since the pickups were from the daycare or my parent's place.
It wasn't until after our first face-to-face meeting post-separation that I found the 37 points that float around here. I immediately began applying some of the easier points (basically, conduct myself with dignity and no ILYs around her). I began to try and do some other GAL activities, but mostly just read Tom Clancy novels to keep myself distracted. It helped a lot.
What was interesting, to me, was that almost as soon as I began applying what I felt was useful to my sitch from the 37 points, W's urgency to get away from me as fast as possible at every meeting gradually became less and less. Our conversations eventually became about things other than S or our sitch. They were still short, but for now, it was important to show that the dog wouldn't bite.
On our exchange of S for Christmas, I gave her some presents from my parents, and she gave me a hug. I'd told her I missed her, and she said that she knew, but that was how it had to be for now.
Dad had a heart-attack a few days later, starting a series of health events in his life that has him still in the hospital, even at this point.
After a couple of long days in the ER/hospital, W told me she was bringing S and moving back in while we dealt with this. I was torn about this development. On one hand, I was beginning to be able to live with myself, by myself, again... but on the other, I did secretly hold on to the hope that this was a sign she wanted to try to rebuild.
When she first came back, she tended to stay as far away from me as she could, generally staying in her room. Most of our exchanges came as a result of S's needs or some change in my dad's condition. Slowly, she began spending her evenings in the living room. I'd sit with her, but we'd spend most of our time in awkward silence. I continued to go to Tai Chi as my schedule allowed. W would go and send the night with her friend on pretty much every weekend.
A pastor from my church became aware of our situation prior to Christmas and had called me in to his office to talk about what was going on. He'd wanted to speak with W, as well, but I didn't want to pressure her into something she didn't want to do. Now he was putting pressure on me to get her to come in. I was paralyzed by fear of undoing all the meager progress I'd made, but an opportunity to get her to go presented itself.
She went and spoke to him, and agreed to meet with him a second time with me present. Her attitude towards me had perceptibly changed after that initial meeting. I think having her feelings validated by a third party, particularly with the church, took some of the edge off of her anxiety about the situation.
It was just prior to this joint meeting that I'd made one of my largest 180s: I quit drinking. I drank, on average, 4-6 beers a night. It was a habit I'd had for years, but didn't have it when W and I'd first started living together.
At the joint meeting, the pastor ran down the list of notes he'd made in his meeting with W, and basically asked me if they were true. I'd just recently also given up on being a victim, so I'd said that they were, and didn't try to displace blame for my actions. The pastor wanted me to apologize to W and ask for an apology, as well as gave me some reading homework to do. He gave us the information for a counselor he wanted us to see, and asked our permission to be able to discuss our situation with the counselor. We're going to sign a release that will okay it.
I didn't apologize right away. I wanted it to be sincere and thought out, both things that are difficult to do without time, but my interactions with W had been altered by this meeting. We were given the imperative to become friends again, and we both worked towards this end.
I gave her a short apology after a few weeks, telling her that I was still working on the full apology, but that I was still figuring out what I felt about things. She accepted that. It would be a few more weeks still before I'd find the opportunity to give the apology. It was an emotional day, for the both of us.
The following Sunday was Easter, and also our Anniversary. I was prepared to ignore that latter aspect of the day, but it seems that W was acutely aware of the day and had plans of her own. We ML that night. We even acted like a married couple for a couple of days afterwards.
The story continues...
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
