Bea, Dreams are weird. I think it helps us process what's going on. I've dreamt of Xh almost every night for weeks. My dreams used to be of contantly trying to get him to listen to me, and him walking away, talking non sense, and just never being able to reach him. This was before he even left.
Now my dreams are of peacefulness....we are just together, no fighting,but not talking much, sometimes holding hands, and no conflict, but a feeling of relief, peace and slight akwardness. I have never had this type of dream about him as long as I've known him. What's weird about that, is that I do not feel that way in real life. Perhaps our dreams are what we want in real life. I wish i could feel this way about him in waking life, but I don't. I don't trust him. I don't want to be around him, and I don't want to speak to him, but always end up having to given the kids.
In years past, what I wanted was him to listen to me, talk to me, and stop rejecting me and that's the dreams I always had, were me chasing after that with him.
In real life he appears he's trying to make ammends.But because Im still healing, I don't trust it and I resent it. Though Im a very understanding and forgiving person, I don't understand or forgive betrayal and inflicted emotional trauma by someone instantly. It's best to just leave me ALONE for a year to two, AND maybe I will have moved on from it enough to let it go. The longest he's left me alone was 3 months.
I've contimplated moving out of town in order to get some space from him. He's just too present due to the kids. I know it's for the kids sake, but I really don't appreciate someone that has taken my emotions through the meat grinder, and then literally start acting like nothing is wrong and we're best of friends.
I realize by not stooping to his level of mudslinging and spewing, and just taking this divorce head on with grace and dignity, basically gave him the idea I was fine with everything and he is forgiven and we can be friends.
I think I need to set a few things straight with him.
