Seeing Lawyers tomorrow...even more hopeless

[25yearsmlc]

I agree with showing emotion too because how can I act as if all the time. Hopefully I can do it next time. We will see because ive lost most hope...

You only have to act as if, when you are around him, which isn't much. The affair is probably still going on IN SOME FORM so give that time to wear off...

he likes the "Being in love" feeling and doesn't seem to know that marriages are not always a blast and don't always feel good or easy. So some of that wears off naturally (or else how could we finish college or work on a project??)

Love IS at least partly a CHOICE...

and we have to make the choice every day even if our spouses are not lovable that day.

Stop pursuing and stop taking the r's temperature. Your r has been an 8 year relationship & it's said that a month of CHANGE is needed for WAS to believe it's real. so at least 8 months needs to be "allowed" for him to even process things.
AND for you to show him the new you...

Don't talk about whether you could get past this or forgive him.

1) for one thing, you have done zero forgiveness work, which starts with letting go of the past and what you cannot control. It's early in this ordeal for that.

And 2)

if he believes you would always hold the affair over his head or throw it in his face when you fight -right or wrong -

he won't come home.

(But don't go verbally correcting that image of his UNLESS he says something about it, and then be vague about "lessons" you are "learning and letting go of the past to start a new r" etc.

Be warm and upbeat like he's a friend who is making a sad mistake --but one from which YOU will recover, but that you sort of pity him for making b/c it's a huge mess...)

Another way of putting that is this:

Unless your h believes marriage to you from this day forward

could be better/different than before, he won't want to reconcile.

What are YOU doing to show him that change?

I know you are hurting. But I have not heard a single 180 of yours.

So are you saying you have no flaws or traits you'd like to work on?

No positives to counter his negatives with? You can do othing to undermine his justifications for leaving?

I'm NOT justifying his affair or blaming you.

I am trying to stop your helpless feeling and get you to

focus on what you CAN change, which is only YOU. Be a woman only a fool would leave.

What does she look like? Who did he fall in love with


Finally sidenote--can you really afford the mortgage once he's gone? We just tried to refinance and our home values have dropped locally, so now we don't have enough equity to fit into their formulas...are you positive this is a good idea?

You're getting great advice from Accuray and others. Pay attention and give yourself way more time before you take the R's temperature again.

There is hope but you have your own work to do. Focus on that for now.

It's all you can control anyhow - so you may as well become your best self to make this ordeal an experience that isn't totally negative.

As much pain as you are in, it is NOT fatal or eternal.

How long it lasts is at least partly, if not totally, in your control...

You will more than survive this...

have you read the Detachment pieces or the 37 "rules" for newbies here?