Hi, brand new to forum, been reading for about 2 weeks now. It amazes me how many people out there are having these issues...so sad. But, it's also good to see the success stories as well.
I'll try to keep it brief.
W left with kids on 3/18/12 to her parents house. She informed me that she wants me to find my own place and that she wants out of the marriage. She contacted a mediator on 3/27/12 but hasn't done anything since.
We seperated about 3 1/2 years ago (July 2008) after MC suggested it for 6 months. We R and things were great for about 3 of those...same things began about July 2011. I would get frustrated with finances, try to solve the problems practically and W would feel controlled and alone and then withdrawal and shut down (our little dance). I have an issue with showing tenderness (although I do love her dearly) and she said that she knows I love her but she feels I don't like her, can't help her feeling that way but I do understand. It makes me sick that she feels that way.
I honestly feel that the real issue here is that she has never forgiven me for life before 1st seperation and basically expected me to be perfect since...sort of set up to fail almost. Things have been better, I have been able to show more affection (but clearly not enough) and have worked real hard at having calm, supportive conversations about money, work, life...etc.
Currently, I have found a small apartment, W is home with kids but house is up for sale (short sale unfortuntely...go figure). We feel that whatever happens we need to get the house out from under us, we built it in 2007 (dream home) but not at all...has stretched us too thin, which has created much anxiety and frustration on my part. I have IC and have started a path on emotionally focused therapy...undertsanding now the true basic need for an emotional bond for everyone...and to address things more from a supportive and emotional approach. I truly believe this is the right path for me.
I have begun to GAL...working out...hanging out with friends, even looking into volunteer work. I also have begun to touch on the 180s...it's VERY hard but I am focused. Interaction with W is mainly due to the kids which keeps things light...no real discussion of R, trying to give her space and time. She did call me out of the blue the night I moved into my apt to see how I was...and yesterday came over to pick up D (had her for night an day) but also to see the place.
I broke down a little and spoke of the path I was on and how I fully understand her pain and I know I am who she needs me to be...it's who she married...just life's daily crud getting in the way. She can all ready see the physical difference in me and has commented on it - losing weight and getting more tone. She thought what I said was very sweet...didn't cry but was visibly moved but restated that she "just doesn't feel us getting back together." I expected that and it didn't bother me too much...just wanted to plant a seed I guess. haven't spoke or contacted her since. Today is my birthday...very interested how she's going to handle that.
Anyway...I know I'm new here and still unsure of basic rules...and I said I'd try to keep it brief. Long story short...I love my wife dearly, she's my best friend...and am totally devoted to her and my kids. My gut tells me that I am on the right path and that we will eventually R but she doesn't. she does say that she likes me and still loves me but she just can't get over the pain and needs a change. Like I said, she's never forgiven me and I know that if she won't she'll never be able to move on postively let alone think about us and a future.
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
We feel that whatever happens we need to get the house out from under us, we built it in 2007 (dream home) but not at all...has stretched us too thin, which has created much anxiety and frustration on my part. I have IC and have started a path on emotionally focused therapy...undertsanding now the true basic need for an emotional bond for everyone...and to address things more from a supportive and emotional approach. I truly believe this is the right path for me.
