I wish I could just give you a hug right now..... so here's one from cyber land (((((hug))))). I want to also tell you that you're doing a wonderful job of owning your emotions and realizing what you're feeling and why you're feeling them. Just right then and there is proof that you're one level headed person and in touch with your feelings!
And here's a self satisfying thought I have quite often after getting some of my emotional ducks in a row ( i like my ducks in a row too). "Gee if all these MLcers were so in touch with their feelings like we are, we wouldn't be in the mess now would we?"
If it's any help, absolutely everything that you've posted in regards to your feelings of being overwhelmed with single parent hood, getting frustrated with yourself for still loving and wanting someone that can't reciprocate that love, feeling the burden of your children's grief, and then H acts as if everything is just wonderful for him and his new life as you're slammed into this new life that you did NOT ASK FOR.... gee welcome to my world.... or should I say welcome to the club? I really understand. We all do.
Do you have an Employee Assistance Program at your new job? I took advantage of that and went to personal counseling for the 3 free sessions they offer. I found a great counselor and wished I could've afforded to see her after the initial 3 visits. However she really helped me get on the right path. Im going to tell you the advice she gave me.
This is an emotional trauma. Emotional Trauma is very much like getting in a car accident and breaking every bone in your body. Yet you still keep walking, talking and carrying on because you have to. You are grieving and have been betrayed by the man you love and have children with. You built a life together, and now here this comes out of no where. All you can do is get in touch with these emotions that come over you, in order to sort your feelings out about your H. Allow them to come. Let it wash over you, because it will come in waves. You will be ok and then something will hit you. Hold on, ride it out, but allow yourself to feel what you feel. It's the only way you can sort these emotions out and start to heal. And it just takes time. Give yourself permission to feel these things.
See what I struggled with and still do from time to time is my ego and pride. My head will tell me clever things like " why should I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me, treated me this way, lied to me, has got so many issues...etc." Well yes objectively why? But our hearts and our heads are NOT in the same place for this to really click and be fully accepted and felt at the same time. This is where you have to be kind to yourself, and be realistic with yourself. How would you treat you best friend if they were going through the exact same thing? And this is ok, and all part of the healing process. And it takes time.....alot of time. I had to remind myself many times through this to treat myself as I would a friend going through all of this.
My H left a year ago next month. The papers should be signed this week, and it was this week 6 years ago my mother died. Gee, wonder why I've been weepy on and off all day?
For me, it wasn't until I had worked through the majority of my grief did I even have any desire to GAL and actually start to make plans for it and look foward to it. And guess what? It's only been this last month that I've really started to feel normal again, wanting to live life again, and getting excited about what kind of life I can live now. It's only been now have I noticed I am really happy not being in a relationship, and will be ok being single because Im ok with me. I like me. Faking it till you make it didn't work for me.
Also it was at the 4 months post BD that I got the blow of finding out about OW....and that's when I mentally and emotionally got the crap kicked out of me. As long as he didn't have OW I seemed to be semi ok with things, but when I found out about her, I don't think the word devastated could do me justice. I've been so down, I literally wished I were dead at least 4 -5 different times just to escape the pain. Especially when I found out WHO IT WAS.... long story.
