Divorce....with a side of crazy...

[SunFunOne]

Focus on Tuesday. Whenever I really dreaded something - I focussed on the next day and something wonderful I would do then.

Barb

[imthemom]

Ill try that Sun...hes making it pretty easy to forget the good actually.
We have plans to go to brunch today with all my boys, was so looking forward to it. S15 started feeling bad thinking his D didnt have anyone to spend Easter with and decided he didnt want to go and wanted to spend it with his D instead. I was a little disapointed but told him it was his choice. He was told by his D that he couldnt, he already had plans....which to my S15 meant he was spending it with her and her kids...I am sick!!..my S15 is upset and doesnt want to go at all now. I am stunned that he would do that to him, but I guess it is parr for the course.

Happy freaen Easter....

[ClingingToHope]

Those are the complications they choose to make. I too am very close to XW. Three blocks away. It's good to be close because if they forget something it isn't far and it's the same bus route so there's no transitioning.

But I have gone over there and seen OM there -- and that was a shock. There's two events left this spring he may be at and I'm trying to gear myself up for them. After that, I should be able to avoid her/him until late summer.

[imthemom]

again just a venting post....

a few days ago I got the most recent bill from my L...I have been stressed and not really able to sleep since. I dont know how Im going to afford this D. and it makes me really resentfull that I didnt even want this, but I filed for him since he wouldnt and tried to make a quick agreement so it wouldnt cost a fortune and would be over with quickly and now HE is dragging it out and running up my L hours and I dont have any money to pay it. We havent even gone to court yet, which he is pushing towards, and just to pay my bill current Ive been sitting here trying to think what Im going to have to sell to pay for this. I dont really have anything, I have been planning on having a garage sale and its looking like Im going to have to sell some furniture and stuff in my house that I actually need just to get threw this and end it.

I feel like he is trying to destroy me....how is it that HE has an affair, HE walks away from his family and leaves us practically destitute and now HES dragging this out and costing me more money, that I dont have. Again im back to having no food in the house, no money and just beside myself how Im going to support my son and he is having a wonderful time and not the least bit concerned about it at all. Im not even going to get into what we ended up eating for dinner last night ....Im humiliated that at my age Im unable to care for my son and give him what he needs, and mad at myself for letting myself get in this situation.

My S15 is on spring break and is calling me at work asking if I can bring him some food, he is starving (and yes, i get that teenage boys are dramatic...hes not STARVING) but there isnt much food in the house and I mean not even the basics milk bread etc...His D has been rained out at work all week and has he one time came and picked S15 up to spend time with him (that by the way he is demanding in his purposal) took him to lunch, anything??? NO...as a matter of fact he told S15 he had lunch right around the corner at the chines food place yesterday and he didnt bother to call him...

I have one of two choices right now...I either call him and just tell him he can have what ever he wants, just agree to the support and give him everything else...or I can let my L go and finish this with out a L and Im pretty sure his L will drag me threw the coals and ill loose anyway...I understand that my L is asking for him to pay attorney fees but what she is asking for wont even touch what I owe her and its going to be thousands more by the time this is over...on the 2nd we go to court but that is just for TEMPORARY support!!!..He told me he would get an L and drag this out, He was not kidding...

I am terrified , and alone, and feeling like just giving up...its been one thing after another the past month and Im beat down and tired. Ive sat here and really thought If im creating this and making it worse but I dont see that I am, Im being so efing nice to him it makes me sick, Im not being difficult or even talking about anything with him. I tried to come to a simple agreement were he could see his S15 when ever he wanted and end this as soon as possible....I dont know what else I can do so I dont feel like Ive made this more dramatic or harder for him. The bottom line is he wants me to agree to a support amount that is not fair or even possible for us to live on ...but its looking like I might have...with out a L im not sure what I can do...

I hate my life right now...I know when this is all over it has to be better, it cant be any worse but right now, this minute I efing hate it.

[SunFunOne]

I'm sorry that this is getting you down so much and that you don't see many options. To me - the obvious option is to talk to your L about it. Let her know you don't have food on the table. That it is an EMERGENCY and you need to go for temporary support immediately (they do have that) and that you are sure she can understand that her bill has to wait until a settlement has been reached. Any decent lawyer would understand this.

And although I'm sure you hate to be told this - you must go to a Food Bank. You cannot go without food for yourself and your family. There is no shame in this and certainly - under the circumstances - you must do this.

S15 may have to get a job. Many young people his age have part time jobs and if that's what it takes - that's what you do. My children started working at part time jobs between ages 12 and 14. It gave them some experience, maturity and spending money.

You have to get out of the victim mode. I understand it - I was once there myself - but it will never pay the bills or get you back on track. You absolutely HAVE to list what you CAN do and forget the blame. Regardless of how it happened (and we all have similar stories) - you have to take hold of the NOW. What can YOU do? Can you get a job that will not affect support? Can you trade your service for something that will help you - like food?

There are always ways. You may have to get creative but if you do nothing - it will not get better.

And yes - my ex cheated, left, did not file, expected me to pay, did not pay CS or SS (still doesn't) and dragged it all out. Let him whirl in the wind. His true colours will be shown in court and that's not pretty to a judge but for now - do what you have to do. Even if you have to get some temporary help from a relative.

I hope for better days ahead for you.

Barb

[imthemom]

The court date for the 2nd is for temorary support...thats what I have been waiting for. I havent called my L because it will just add more to my bill and Im trying to figure out a way to avoid that. She knows the situation, she has called him and told him my utilities were about to be turned off and that there was no food in the house. He still didnt help until I called him crying basically had to beg...I swore I would never do that again and I havent. He knows the situation very well...he is choosing not to help because he says I am trying to take all his money and leave him with nothing...its a joke.

I have also been to our local food bank..and relied on the kindness of friends and family. My mothers sister just died of cancer 2 days ago, and really, I cant ask her again...she has helped me out alot already and im not sure if she can afford to help anymore. S15 is flunking the majority of his classes, theres no way he can handle a job now, all my sons started working at the age of 16, even my special needs son...I have always stressed that point to them but S15 is in no shape to handle that. And his GPA is not going to allow him to get a work permit right now. His D has put him threw the ringer and it is showing ...

Trust me, im not one to lay down and die...Im a fighter and have been threw worse. Its just piling up and this is the first time Ive had to face this kind of stuff alone. guess we will see what Im really made of. I have checked into a part time (nights and weekends) job but am worried about leaving S15 alone for all that time with no supervision. Im aware that I might just have to do that.

[BeginningAgain]

Sorry you are in such a tough position. If you belong to a Church, perhaps you can get some assistance there until the support comes through. Or possibly the Salvation Army.

Also, if you aren't, start keeping documentation on all of this, especially the non-visiting by your H. If he is yelling for increased visitation but not even taking your S to lunch when he stops right around the corner then the Judge will see right through that charade as just an attempt to reduce his CS requirement.

It's tough, but you will get through this and things do eventually get better.

BA

[imthemom]

unfortunatly this is not my first rodeo...with what I had to go threw with my S21 (special needs) I have become a pro and started documenting everything the day STBX dropped the bomb just to cover my bases and that has turned out to be my saving grace in this...because he has not spent any time with him since that day and has consistantly cancelled on him. My L has a complete log of all time since Sept/ 2011...

If I can just make it to the court date Im hopeing everything will take a huge turn. Ive decided that Im just going to wait till I hear from my L. she is very aware of my financial situation and has not said a word about me giving her any money. Im hopeing the judge says he has to pay at least half my L fees since hes the one that ran them up and I can figure the rest out then...no point in looseing any sleep over it now. And S15 and I have gotten use to tightening the belt over the last 8-9 months as STBX had checked out before I discovered the ow anyways...

[figgeroni]

try women's advocacy groups...I worked for one and we often helped women who were victims of emotional abuse (such as yourself)

also

apply for government aid

it is humbling but helpful...they have emergency grant situations to help in these kinds of situations

[imthemom]

Interestingly enough...I make to much for any aid! unbeleavable to me but true. Im actually right at the cut off. So thats not going to work. But I did apply for 2 night time/ weekend jobs over the weekend and am crossing my fingers. Im afraid its going to screw with our settlement though..but dont really see that I have a choice. Ive gone as far to consider parking our trailer on a friends property and living there for a few months. Its a really nice trailer, with a master bedroom and bunk beds in the back, full kitchen and a small bathroom. It would be quite an ordeal but worth it to give me a chance to get back on my feet ....Im still rolling it around in my head. Id have to pay for storage for my stuff ...I dont know. I hate to do that to my S15 but I kinda ran it by him and he said what ever you have to do mom, ill do it.

I cant believe what our life was 2 yrs ago in a huge 4 bedroom 2 bath beautiful house with all the toys and a family of 5...and we are reduced to this...I feel like a bomb has gone off in my life.

forgot to mention that I heard from STBX on our anniversary...he sent an email basically saying he didnt want me to think he had forgotten the day. that he would always love me and that he had done things to me that he could probabley never repair. and he was sorry...
I simply responded that I had not forgotten the day either...

Then a friend told me he was on fb that same day making jokes and lols and smiley faces about the fact that it was our 18th anniversary and we were getting divorced...it made me sick. especially because our S15 is on his friend list. I sent him a message and let him know that he might want to delete that convo before our S15 saw it...Im pretty sure he would not think it was funny. He replied that he was sorry (again??) that he did not mean it to be funny and could see how it would be misunderstood. but again he was sorry.....what ever....

Hes a freaken idiot....
still no word from L about his response to our counter purposal. 2 more weeks till court date...

on the up side my softball team won our game tonight and then we went to pizza and beer...have a headache from laughing so hard...it was a fun game and night.