waiting for the other shoe

[labug]

There is separation in contemplation of divorce and there is separation for cooling off.

Which do you think you're in?

[Truegritter]

I do not want her to think Ive.forgotten her.

Do you think she thinks this?

I haven't read your whole sitch but you seem like a decent guy.

Do you think so too?

Well then you probably are. Not that you can't improve...

As LBS's we take way more burden on ourselves and by the virtue that we are here seems to me that we are more in the giver category than the taker.

So which have you been? Which has your W been?

If she is the taker then your worries about if she wonders if you still care are unfounded.

If you were the taker then maybe it's time to show her something different.

My advice?

Just go dark. Silent. You seem way too attentive which is what she is used to and expects.

This is going to be tough because you will look on it the way you would feel about it. But she is a different sort it seems to me.

She is not like you. so don't use your compass here.

in fact do the opposite.

Can you not respond to her or actively contact her?

the goal is detachment.

[ndfarmer]

I have always thought separation was for cooling off, stopping the damage before it gets too severe. And then see what life would be like without each other. See if you dont miss your spouse. No contact seems so drastic sp. Isnt some communication needed. She has referred to it has living separate lives. Well what does that mean. Living life like were divorced.? I dont get it. If thats what she wants than why stay married.

Truegritter, I know she knows that I havent forgotten her. She knows how I feel about her. I dont really feel right about contacting her. I will always respond to her. I think thats the way it should be right now. It is very difficult. My counseler says I need to at least text.her once a week to show that I am thinkimg of her. I dont always agree and dont always do it.

I am a nice guy. But sometimes to everyone else. Do you know what I mean? I am working on detaching. I think its what she wants.Time and space. But Im starting to think she has made up her mind.

[Truegritter]

If thats what she wants than why stay married.

Why indeed?

Are you doing this for what she wants right now?

She doesn't know what she wants.

You might as well toss a coin as to whether you stay married or not.

Is that how you want to live your life?

You control only you so what do you want? What do you value?

What do you believe in?

But Im starting to think she has made up her mind.

You are already making excuses to fail

anything that starts with "but" watch out

what follows is your excuse.

Contact her once a week then. As long as it doesn't hurt you and you don't have expectations. Any contact that hurts you or takes you away from detaching I say don't do it.

She will contact you most likely. My W did.

I am a nice guy. But sometimes to everyone else. Do you know what I mean?

Yes i do. I don't think you would be here otherwise.

How does that relate to your W? How has he been toward you?

[ndfarmer]

Some excellent thoughts and I will try to address them.

I couldnt agree with you more on your first comment. She definitely doesnt know what she wants. Sometimes I find strength in that and sometimes depair. She has flip flopped her decision three times since October. First to divorce me,then she didnt know, then back to divorce and finally to separate. It has been quite a ride. And no I dont want to live my life this way.

I have been in love with my W for 33 years. In those years have I failed to be a good husband? You bet. Many, many times. I want to stay married to her for the rest of my days.

Yes I have to admit that it hurts when she doesnt text me back. I have expectations that are not meet. I think this is why I dont feel right about contacting her first. I must detach to have a change at reconciliation. Sounds funny to say that.

The recent times that weve communicated she has been cold and mean spirited. Before she moved out we were doing better. We had weathered rumors of an affair between her and a former friend. I thought it brought us closer together. Im not sure this was correct. I just dont understand what she is thinking.

[Truegritter]

I just dont understand what she is thinking.

Then stop trying.

That is not a goal that leads anywhere.

How about making a choice for YOU regardless of what she is thinking right now?

i think this will become clearer for you Farmer if you really try to answer my questions...

Well really they are not mine.

They are yours.

And it will take time for you to find the answers while going through the fire of the trials of standing for what you believe.

I know you are here to save your M and you may.

Defining your success by the choices of a confused walkaway spouse is a long shot at best.

Choose for you. Live your life based on your values.

It is the difference between being a victim of someone else

and victory on your own terms.

[labug]

nd, there's an old saying, "You're best thinking got you here."

What does that mean to you?

[ndfarmer]

Sorry I could of swore I posted. Something must of went wrong!

Labug, do you mean what I thought was my best thinking? Like yesterday I thought I needed to go to my Ws house and talk to her. To ask her where are we going with this. To ask her about her relationship with former friend. I was totally convinced my thinking was correct. But I see now that would of been the worst thing I could do. I have to quit thinking about what she is thinking. I have to keep my cool and stay detaching. I have to let her be. She wants time and space. I have to make her make the next move. Sometimes I believe she is trying to outlast me. But if she wants out for any reason, shes going to have to do it. Im for our marriage.

[ndfarmer]

Last night I gota wild hair and went to see my W. I have mixed feelings about doing it.

Last weekend and lately I have been feeling the need to talk to my W about where we are going with this separation. I have so many questions that keep cropping up in my head. Also I had discovered in my snooping the possibility of another OM. Also a email account that I didnt know about.

So I thought of a way to play dumb and slip some this into our conversation. Turned out to be nothing. I didnt mention the email thing. Dont know what to do about that. I have to trust her I guess. She would be furious if she knew of my investigation.

I know what you are all thinking. What happened to detaching? Im still under her control I quess. I am going back dont worry. She has not given one inch and continues to find peace with her new life. I asked her if I make her so unhappy when Im around why doesnt she let me go. She doesnt know. She also said the things that went on just before the separation ie hugging,kissing and sleeping together,
probably shouldnt have happened.

[ndfarmer]

I did take one small positive from my visit. She expressed the desire for a couple more months to decide what she is doing. Better than nothing. Meanwhile its back to no contact. And the pain. Met with doctor yesterday.He upped my anxiety meds. Dose just isnt cutting it. And so the endless story goes.I see no solutions anytime soon. It makes me quite sad.