New Day Rising

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks, Snodderly. And thanks for being proud of me.

He was definitely comfortable today, just as he was last weekend. He actually walked around the house like he still lives here, very comfortably. Except for knocking on the door every time he came in. And he made the same kind of small talk as he did last Sunday, almost all of it about our life together. This is the thing that gets me...he brings up all the things we had or did together, but now they're separate.

He definitely is making a point regarding his daughter. He wants me to know that he has a good relationship with her now. It was volatile for a long time and from the sounds of things has never been as good as it is now, and it's because of me...I made sure she didn't hate him and that she could view him with compassion. I'm sure he knows it too.

I said to him at one point that hopefully doing the right thing will pay off for me sometime because it's been a bit of a tough run. It was on the tip of my tongue to say that I won't contest a divorce, but neither will I pay for or participate in the process.

I don't think he was putting a good guy mask because he is the same any time he's here. The divorce issues are settled...the separation agreement is also the divorce document. He'd have to go to court to open it and he won't.

I want it to be a toe in both ponds...that he still sees something appealing about our life together and that he'll come back to it. I don't know if the homewrecker is still in the picture and part of me wishes i could find out but then the other part says what's the point.

I learned early on to not ask questions and I haven't and won't. As much as it hurts, I know his current life is none of my business. Probably for that reason there's been no spew since we got the separation agreement settled before Christmas.

I'll take your advice about the baking.

You're probably right about him wanting a friendship on his terms. But he can't have that. And I can't have what I want either, which is my marriage restored. My sister was near tears yesterday when she told me she's always hoped he would come home. People still love him.

My heart is breaking again, but it probably wouldn't if there were spew and conflict and hostility. I'd have been long gone by now if things were bad.