New Day Rising

[greatwhitenorth]

i fell into the pit of despair again earlier today. not for anything specific that happened, it's just all too much. for the past two days i've felt like i'm carrying around 100 lbs of sand on my back. i don't know if i have any strength left.

h was here with his friend earlier and took all his hunting gear, some camping things and some random crap from the basement. the three of us talked about me needing to find a new job and some of the challenges with that. when friend went downstairs h asked if he could hug me but i said i didn't think it was a good idea. he can't be my consoler and not be in my life (i didn't tell him that part).

i'd been making homemade pita (first time...worked out pretty good but they were a little crispy) and both h and friend were commenting on how good it smelled. when he asked again how it turned out as he was leaving, i asked him if he wanted some. he said he'd like to try it so i gave him a pack with six pieces in it. he took it gladly, unlike earlier in the year when he refused to take some of the bread i baked.

his friend was out in the truck but h kept hanging around mostly just looking at me. then asking me if i'd talked to his daughter, telling me things about her life that i already knew, updated me on her exams. he asked me about whether we'd bottled the wine i'd mentioned last weekend. he told me a musician we both like is playing later this month at a venue we used to go to out here. clearly/oddly he still gets their emails. i just nodded and wasn't sure what to say so just said "oh yeah". he told me he plans to go turkey hunting soon and asked me if i wanted a turkey leg if he gets one. i said i'd take a whole turkey but not a leg. he said he'll try and get two.

when we were wrapping up he said "i'll leave you alone for a while" and then proceeded to tell me about his travel plans with his D next week for funeral related stuff.

it's like he digs through his mind for every single thing he can think of that he knows i'm interested in so that he has something to tell me or ask me. no, it's not "like" that at all. it IS that....that's what he does. but then he continues to move his stuff out. as his presence in this house disappears i feel that he is truly gone from my life, that there is no hope.

as weird as it sounds, i wish our encounters were hostile or awkward or something else negative because it would be easier to take than this. how can we be so comfortable with each other, he so interested in my life, offering up about his (to an extent) yet not want to be with me?

when he finally made his way to leave through the garage he hung around there too. he turned to face me in the doorway behind him and just stood there like he was waiting for me to say something. after a minute or so i said i was just going to close the garage door so he said "oh yeah, don't close it until i'm outside" and left. the tone of the whole encounter was, as usual and especially given my stress levels, perfectly cordial.

what does he want from me? am i giving him the impression that i want to or can be his friend? because i can't, but i don't know how to handle the situation without pushing him further away.

i feel like just saying "h, we aren't friends. i can't be friends with you" but my sense is that it would be a mistake.

i can forget about him saying what's on his mind. he is a man who does not communicate about real issues at all...avoid, avoid, avoid is his mantra.

this job loss thing has made me feel so alone. intellectually i know i have time to find something new that pays enough for me to keep my house, that i'll probably be ok. but emotionally it's just another whack, and my mind jumps right to feeling incredibly alone and just wanting the pain to end. right now every day feels like death by 1000 cuts.

he said he hopes the job search works out, and i said there's no other choice because i can't lose my house this year too. the expression on his face suggested that he realized then and there the weight of things for me.

please, someone, i need insight as to what he's doing with his questions and comments and long goodbyes.