I know it might seem like I'm not listening to all of you, but truly I am. I'm just having a hard time with acceptance. I loved the life that I had before and it was taken from me. I don't have control of the outcome and with that comes fear. In addition to that, I keep asking myself why am I grieving for someone that would treat his family this way. The only answer I have is that I find things to love in all people, including those that hurt me. Some might say I have low self-esteem and self-worth. There is some truth to that. But my decision to connect with people and love them is a choice, not a need. When I met my H I had it all together. I had a great job, my own apartment and car, I was going to school in the evening, I had good friends and I was volunteering. My life was full and I was so content that he pursued me for several weeks before I even returned his call. In fact, I was so afraid of disrupting the harmony that I had I almost cancelled our first date. Letting him into my life was a choice, not a need. He had nothing to offer but himself. He had recently divorced (red flag!), was new to the area, had a mediocre job, no car and was subletting a room. Seriously, what was the attraction??? Maybe I was needier than I saw at the time. I don't know. I just want to get back to that place of contentment. I want to feel like I'm letting people in instead of feeling desperate for my H to return. In some ways we're right back to where we started. I have a house, good job, great kids, family and friends, etc. and what does he have? No family, except a few dysfunctional relatives across the country, a deadend job, albeit it pays well, a studio apartment in a poor neighborhood and soon, another X. So what's the attraction? Is it true that we really can't help who we fall in love with or does this indicate a deficit within myself? Healing needs to take place, but what am I healing?
