Brooklyn Babe

[BklynMom]

I have definitely been on a roller coaster of emotions the past week. Most of the week I was doing great and enjoying my life with my girls. I think sometimes when I dont hear from him I create a fantasy in my mind that he is coming closer.

Friday I received an email from him asking that we have a meeting with our lawyers all together. He thinks the letter writings between the lawyers leaves room to "misinterrupt good intentions". His lawyer also contacted my father/lawyer on friday, essentially my H doesnt like the formal schedule my father has proposed. My H wants a more lucy-goosey schedule, since we will remain "friends" we can work out parenting time month by month based on whatever freelance jobs we have.

I dont want to 'co-parent" with him. If he wants a D, I want to be separate. I am flexiable and will make considerations to the schedule as needed but I want a schedule. I want to talk to him as little as possible. My heart is still broken.

I am also tried of him blaming me and saying passive aggressive things like "this isnt want I wanted to happen. But I really tried".

You know what H, you didnt tell me you were upset, we snuggled every night, we were bidding on a new house, you never suggested MC. You didnt try. This is not my fault.

I wrote him back "I think having a meeting is a good idea. Let me talk to my father about it and get back to you"

I wrote today "Unfortunately my father does not think having a meeting is a good idea. He says I am too in love with you to not bring in too many emotions. Sorry"

I know its anti DB to tell your WAS that you love them but I havent said that for many months, probably the last time I told him I loved him was August. I think he believes I just want him back for the kids and I dont actually love him as a man. Figured what the heck I would throw it in. I dont think it can push him further away then he already is.

I am really considering moving. Its not something I have to do tomorrow but I notice that I am much more happy in new enviornments around people that dont know my H and I together. Also I have wanted to get out of the city for sometime but my H wanted to remain. I could find a more affordable place closer to my parents.

The "magic" alanon had had on me this fall & winter is wearing off. I leave meetings pissed off and angry that this people are so clueless.

I spend a lot of time asking myself why my H is still doing this when I have changed so much. Why is he being so cruel??

I know my thought process is unproductive but I look at my angels and I wonder how he could not want to spend every minute he can with them.

Its definitely a roller coaster.

Although I havent posted much lately. i do check in on everyone threads and am so happy to have the support of my friends on this site.