The Space Between...

[25yearsmlc]

Purg, So sorry that you had to go through this.

He is obviously fantasising and experimenting - he's not sure what he's doing.



this^^ is important to remember. You two didn't fall in love THIS FAST those years ago and then make rings to show the world your committment did you?

So he's in a hurry to "feel in love" again, and she's his target b/c let's face it

YOU require him undoing his negative imaging of you and the marriage
(and in fairness to him, being back w/you requires forgiveness he doesn't feel like giving) AND besides, he also has to justify to the world, what he's doing so far...so that takes outward "Signs of REAL love"

like making them matching rings so he can show the world, "yes it's ALL worth it" and so he won't feel so lonely while deployed.

Is she beautiful smart and kind and funny and always in the mood for great sex? Honestly? Does she work hard and contribute income and keep a decent house and cook well and is she strong and interesting??

Worst case scenario, life situations, deploying, and career pressures give them an artificial sense of bonding, b/c it's "them against the world" while the evil forces keep them apart.


All you can do is not be part of THAT. And show who you have become.

There WILL be a crack in their veneers as time passes and they spend some time together. All will NOT be perfect. She'll see that OMG "HE has flaws too... & I thought I'd fixed all my problems by ending my first m...oops"

and you are the mother of his children. When he sees you raising YOUR/HIS children and working and yet being Mother Frickin' Teresa Purg and

a woman only a fool would leave...who is moving forward in her life...


LET him get to deal with the mess of his potential step children looking at him, and knowing...and looking at their mother...and knowing...and being teenagers AND him missing his kids as they get older, oh yes -there WILL be cracks/crevasses.

If you can, try to think about the need to give him time to work through his mess.
It is 5 months - but that's not long in the scheme of things.


5 months is NOT long but sure, I wish there was a faster way, or that you could push "fast forward"...

even though you assume he'll fantasize about OW while gone, he will, at a minimum, also ache for the arms of his own children. She cannot provide that.

And some say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and IT CAN...

but there's also "absence makes the heart go wander..." and he may even feel attracted to someone there and that will make him wonder if MAYBE this is about HIM and not being happy in his marriage

and thinking that a divorce will fix all his problems. But erasing you from the family photo does not work, and it does not fix the problems. OMG if he could only see the pain he's creating for others AND himself...

EX---SIDENOTE--a decade after my uncle left my aunt for his OW, he told his mother that if he'd "Known how much pain this would cause" he'd have stayed w/aunt. But the truth is, he cheated on OW too...

So my aunt was truly better off without him, and she fully realized it one day when OW (the "new wife" of 8 years) called my aunt to see if my uncle was there, at aunt's house!!...Aunt said "God, NO..."

and then it hit her that he was always going to cheat and make his partner feel that sick in the stomach feeling...so, he'd done her a favor.

She had remarried, was happy, but became a widow suddenly after 25 years. After about 2 years of being alone (but w/tons of friends), she picked herself up, again, and dusted herself off and re-joined the world (she GAL!!!)

and men always seemed to seek her out. (She's attractive & in shape but also she is inwardly content and at peace, AND that radiates & it's just attractive)

So now she's 72, she looks 50, and has been dating a younger man she met @ a "current events club" & they've been together for a few years now b/c, I kid you not, she says "He's so active, and the sex is really good."...


My uncle still lives with the fact that another man raised his kids, and that his grandchildren barely know him whereas my aunt is involved in their lives on nearly a daily basis... My aunt is happy. I don't know what my uncle is but if he'd found his "true love" with OW, he would not have continued to stray forever...something in him was not alright and he never looked inward to repair it.

WE, otoh, do look inward to repair what's not working in our lives. That is why the LBSer who does the inner work and practices DBing, is universally better off after a few years, then the WAS who does not look inward or do the work.




I'm desperate for some movement in a positive direction from my H at the moment, just like you.

And when I don't see any, I decide I will have to settle for closure - i.e. being done with what I should recognise as a hopeless situation.

BUT... then I remember that DB says don't lose hope.

Be more patient than you thought you could ever be.

Give your S TIME to work through his turmoil.

And understand that what they say and do today may not be what they say and do tomorrow.

And while you are still working on your self and with him, you still have the opportunity, at every interaction, to change the dynamic between you.

It may take a year, not 5 months; it may take 2 years.

Keep this sort of time frame in mind and then think about how you want to proceed. Would it be worth it if you had to wait longer for things to get better?

We're here to help you endure the sad times and to share the suffering. We know how hard it is.

Big hugs to you,
NLW

good stuff from NLW.


If Purg, the time comes when they marry and go off into the sunset -we'll be here for you.

OR if you, Purg, decide that moving forward has brought you to a place where you can no longer look over your shoulder with hope that he's awakened...b/c you want real freedom all the way

or b/c you feel you are still in limbo (purgatory) and want out for real,

then we'll support you letting go and shutting the door AND locking it

as you find your way in the world or in a new R...

but that day isn't today...

(((( ))))