Sounds exactly how it unravelled for me too, I was told there was noone else & that it was all my fault & that she had felt unhappy for ages. You can check out my 1st thread as to how I handled that conversation - it was far from gentle - a lot of hurt - pain & tears.
Oh man, I read your story and I empathize--this really is the club none wants to join.
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Look your W is hiding it from you because she recognises that it is wrong (believe it or not that's a relatively good thing in this scenario),
That's one of the things I need help to understand. What's good about it? I think there's definitely a shame factor--she's been very explicit about not letting ANY of our friends know about this. Which is why, separately, I'm motivated to let the cat out of the bag to the right person to let her get pressure from someone outside the M.
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the reaction you don't want to get, but might is if she knows you know about it, she says she doesn't care & that she will carry on seeing them whatever you think. Prepare yourself for the worst case scenario in these conversations.
The thing that's different here for me-and what I'm trying to work through-is that I'm 99% sure that the OP dumped/spurned her.
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Seriously, why do you want to bring it up in MC? Would you want to be confronted on something like this in that environment? I know I wouldn't - if you want to save your M - you have to show your W that you will protect your R no matter how fragile it is now & that her feelings and happiness is important to you. Bringing this up in MC, does neither of these things & will make you look weak to your W.
That's exactly my frustration--I do want to show her I'll protect our R--and her--to the ends of the earth. If I didnt think that OP dumped her, I don't think I'd be going down this road.
The reason for doing this in MC--and importantly, to do it in a way that was somehow indirect--is because it's the only time she's really been honest with me in about a year. It's a safe environment. We have no discussions about M or D outside of MC at this point, in part because of the DBing, but also I think because of her secrecy.
I definitely don't think it would be productive to just blurt out an accusation. So by indirect, I could ask in MC about getting a better understanding of "why now/what changed/what pushed you over the edge"? The closest thing she's given me as a reason for the D, "before one of us has an EA/PA."
I think that's W's code for "I'm having a EA/PA and I'll be ashamed if the kids and my friends find out that it was my cheating that caused our D". If the OP dumped her, and noone knows about her EA/PA, I guess I'm thinking that if she fesses up, it would be an act of trust on her part to maintain the secret between us.
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Trust me, you don't want to do this
I know it sounds it, but I'm not disagreeing with you! I'm REALLY trying to work this through. I need help getting convinced that it would be a good idea to just ignore the whole EA/PA. I need help on this because it SEEMS like I might be able to short-circuit her fantasy--and maybe the EA/PA--while still working on my detaching...
Man, this is wringing my soul.
I know. So many of us have been there. Detach, drop the rope, let her flail and feel consequences. Do not get into The Friend Zone with her. You are her HUSBAND, not her GIRLFRIEND. Do not take the WAW script and/or spew to heart. Water off a duck's back. I don't see anything "wrong" with bringing up possible infidelity in MC; as long as you do it in such a way as stating a boundary: "I'm just not the type of man who would ever share his W with another man..." You can state that as a boundary without confrontation. It is a fact, right? Just state your fact and shut up. No lectures, no expanding. Short, declarative statements come across as strengths. She wants out? Show her the door and wish her well. Do not try to cling; it is weak, and we like strong men. We have no respect for neediness. Don't beg her to stay, let her feel the loss of you by her own hand. Hang in there.
