I am new here, and in desperate need of advise on how to detach and do the 180. Short insight on the problem--married almost 25 years. Last 9--maybe more, there have been numerous affairs, lies, false attempts at R, you name it. Currently H is in another state working, and has moved all his things out. H wants D--I cannot seem to him or the idea of our marriage go. I still believe we can make it--NOT without help and serious counseling. Someone please help me.
I wish I had more insight to give you. I, too, want my M to work out but as you read, I am going to see a lawyer tomorrow and my husband seems to be checked out of our M.
I understand you're feeling of wanting to make it work. From all the advice given on here, they tell you not to try to convince him and give him space and let him miss you.
As for 180, for me, I couldn't really think of any, so I'm no help there...sorry But I have been hanging out with friends more and talking to them and talking to family. It helps the time pass. I also joined a Zumba class and since the weather is getting nicer, I'm trying to take my dog out more and just take each day at a time.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Hi April and sorry you find yourself here. Tell us what were his complaints about you and the marriage? Have you read divorce remedy yet who had the affairs? Who lied? Does he drink too much? Does he hit you? Do you have kids? Give us some details?
Take deep breaths and come here everyday to tell us how u doing k.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hi April, Ditto Rick. Sorry you wound up here. But this is a good place to journal and vent and get feedback. Need help with detaching is your subject line.
Detachment is a two edged sword. It means you have to sever your emotional connection to your H to a certain extent. His choices, his actions, his words have to no longer dictate whether or not you're going to be happy, angry or sad. The hardest part perhaps is deciding that you can be happy without him.
I know, it sounds like giving up, but there is a liberation to it. It actually makes it easier for you to work on the things that you want, objectivly, patiently and with a purpose. Remember that there are no guarantees. The only outcome you really want is for you to be happy again.
You can imagine that happiness with him in a flourishing marriage. But can you imagine a different outcome? This is the beginning of detachment. you say to yourself someone else is not going to dictate my emotionl state of being.
We've all been here. We've all been basket cases, hurt and in pain, embarassed, betrayed and feeling like failures. But in the end you've got to get to a place of peace and back in control of your emotions. The tools are GAL and taking good care of yourself. It takes time and is not an easy journey.
Tell the forum about your MR, some history, what are your short term goals. You have understanding friends here.
Pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Detachment is a two edged sword. It means you have to sever your emotional connection to your H to a certain extent. His choices, his actions, his words have to no longer dictate whether or not you're going to be happy, angry or sad. The hardest part perhaps is deciding that you can be happy without him.
I know, it sounds like giving up, but there is a liberation to it. It actually makes it easier for you to work on the things that you want, objectivly, patiently and with a purpose. Remember that there are no guarantees. The only outcome you really want is for you to be happy again.
You can imagine that happiness with him in a flourishing marriage. But can you imagine a different outcome? This is the beginning of detachment. you say to yourself someone else is not going to dictate my emotionl state of being.
We've all been here. We've all been basket cases, hurt and in pain, embarassed, betrayed and feeling like failures. But in the end you've got to get to a place of peace and back in control of your emotions. The tools are GAL and taking good care of yourself. It takes time and is not an easy journey.
This ^^^^ is a very good example of detachment. I would copy and post this in a place where you can refer to it as needed. This will save your sanity over the long haul!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
My situation is as follows: married almost 25 years...young, too young. H was in the military and we had kids too young. They are grown now. H is a blamer. I am to blame for unrealized dreams, keeping him from achieving his goals, and in short, for being born. H is very sexual, and I don't put out enough. So he cheats...a lot.
Sorry if I sound down tonight. Had a sitch where my septic tank back flowed into my house, and had to break my silence to text him for money. Didn't go well. I was blamed for the septic tank problem--karma he said, and told that I always have an emergency that he is supposed to fix. When will I learn to detach completely. H is so deep in the fog, that I believe he will never come out of it.
Oh and I have read the DB book and am starting on her other. I just need to learn when crap happens, he is no longer the person I can turn to. For now, he is no one. Repeat to self...he is no longer in your life. Real 180 for me will be complete no contact. I am a classic pursurer. Finding it very hard to break that pattern. Back to Day 1. Hoping tomorrow the sun will come out and I can breathe again.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
April thank you for sharing your situation with us. I am deeply sorry you are going through this.
Since I am also going through this I thought I might share my feelings on these as well. Maybe we share some of the same thoughts?
Originally Posted By: InAPickle
Detachment is a two edged sword. It means you have to sever your emotional connection to your H to a certain extent. His choices, his actions, his words have to no longer dictate whether or not you're going to be happy, angry or sad. The hardest part perhaps is deciding that you can be happy without him.
I know this to be true words, but so difficult and confusing as well. Detach but still care enough to get back together if the opportunity presents itself? This is just so hard. Personally, I feel I can get a life (GAL) and I am trying, but being a wonderful husband and father is absolutely the number one thing I want todo. Everything else just in pale in comparison to me.
Originally Posted By: InAPickle
I know, it sounds like giving up, but there is a liberation to it.
Again, I believe these words to be true but it still feels like giving up. Though, its not like I am convincing myself out of trying, I am not. I know I need todo this, but everything seems to boring and lifeless compared to sharing my life with my wife and children every day.
I have a wonderful support group of women whom I go out with once a week, and I am trying to get myself together mentally and emotionally. Each day seems to bring with it more drama.
Just this last week, My D had her 22 b-day. I had planned to make it a very special day for her, and make it just the 2 of us. Her father sent her a b-day gift and had his lastest g-friend and him sign it. My D opened that card in front of me, and a lot of her friends. I am done trying to hang on to someone that so bluntly is shoving his flings in front of me. I deserve better, and I am no longer going to allow anyone to make me feel worthless and disrespected.
But I have been hanging out with friends more and talking to them and talking to family. It helps the time pass. I also joined a Zumba class and since the weather is getting nicer, I'm trying to take my dog out more and just take each day at a time.