Just seen your reply and I'll try & answer a couple of things from your post.
That's one of the things I need help to understand. What's good about it? I think there's definitely a shame factor--she's been very explicit about not letting ANY of our friends know about this. Which is why, separately, I'm motivated to let the cat out of the bag to the right person to let her get pressure from someone outside the M.
OK, firstly what's good about this situation is that your W recognizes that this is wrong & why she has hidden this. It might not seem like she is thinking of you, but if her actions became common knowledge, this would hurt your pride even further & damage your ego.
Secondly wanting to put pressure on your W, will not achieve anything except rash decisions on her part. You need to give her space to work out what she wants and stop trying to force something that isn't what she wants right now. Imagine this woman wasn't your W, and you were trying to get her to go out with you, do you think what you are doing right now would work? No, of course it wouldn't, plus you are old news to her right now & she thinks that you are the sole reason for her unhappiness.
What you need to do, is exactly what people are telling you to do, detach. Work on yourself, be happy and live your life to the full. She will notice, even if she doesn't say anything. Every positive 180 you can acheive, consistantly will give her reason to doubt herself. You need to make sure that you stop pressuring your W and make the interactions and time you spend together more relaxed, without any expectations of getting anything in return. You have to do all the leg work right now, and every day you need to get up & dust yourself off & keep up your changes.
About bringing up the EA/PA it's totally up to you, but if you are convinced it is over, what good of it will come from that situation. Peace of mind for yourself? There are other ways you can get passed all of this.
I think you need to get a list of mini goals, post them here & work on them & monitor your progress.
You have to start making positive changes now & stop pressuring or pursuing your wife. You need to buy time right now , space = time , pressure = get me out of here.
Don't be to down on yourself we are all going through something similar on here, you have to do this for yourself and on your own, but people on here will help you along the way.
Take care
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
