M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Oh. I also spent the evening working in the garage after out some went to bed and she left. It felt great to work on some neglected projects.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
She came home after I was in bed. She said, "I love you." I cheerfully told her I loved her too. Then she jokingly said, "no you don't.." (and old inside joke) she seemed to be looking for reassurance that I do love her. Then she held onto my arm while she fell asleep. Sigh.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Our son’s birthday party went really well yesterday. The smiles on his face were priceless. It was a great time.
W gave me a big hug a few times throughout the day. After everyone left she wanted to cuddle on the couch while we watched our son play. She said we worked as a great team all weekend.
We watched some TV while having a snack before bed. She cuddled up and held on to me nearly the entire time. She initiated additional activities which was very surprising. She held onto me tightly while falling asleep. Could this be a good sign for our future? Or could she just be trying to convince herself? Or…? Maybe I shouldn’t look into things… I thought this great evening would make me feel better… but this morning I’m just as confused.
She asked me twice throughout the day with sad eyes, “don’t you even love me anymore?” I responded by telling her that I love her very much. She’s obviously noticing that I’m pulling away some (GAL!). The whole GAL process seems very tough because I don’t want her to think that I’m neglecting her, or giving up on her. But at the same time, I have to do these things for myself so I don’t go into a downward spiral…
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
This move seems sort of dangerous. I also did the same thing and I feel it was a grave mistake. I now feel that any problem was an US problem. The fact that I didn't look at it as an US problem must of made her feel alone and blamed. This could only add to the distance it must of created and the resentment over time.
This was many months ago. I would never make this suggestion now. When I made this suggestion I thought our relationship was strong. I honestly thought it was an open conversation between us and that she was asking for help.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Yesterday evening was the complete opposite of Sunday. There were no hugs. No cuddling. She didn't come near me when going to bed.
I've come to notice we don't talk unless it's about our son. I've stopped bringing up small talk conversations as part of the 37 steps... It's so quiet around here....
I've also noticed she's stopped asking for help with our son or tasks around the house. Things like bath time and getting our son ready for bed have always been a group activity. I make sure I'm still there at these times for my son, but my wife isn't responsive to my help.
I'm frustrated, lonely, and confused.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Hang in there someguy...reading through your story, I can relate and was also hit with the bombshell 'ILUBNILWU' a mere 4 weeks ago. There's an equally weird awkwardness around my house as well....little talk and when there is, it seems forced.
All you can do is focus on YOU, which I'm just now learning. Focus on the things that will make you a better YOU, and be an amazing dad for your son!
Yesterday she made a comment about wanting to plan a trip to Vegas in June. This morning while driving to work she mentioned another possible vacation location.
I can't keep up. This roller coaster is maddening.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Are you being consistent during these times that she is riding the wave?
ie. NO CHANGE in your behaviour...
Or are you engaging her when she is in a good mood... and distancing when she is in a bad mood or distant?
It is often said that when "they" stop complaining... it doesn't mean things are better... it means quite the opposite...
Even though she's not asking for help, does not mean she does not want it... it might... but unless she tells you she does not want help, then you really don't know for sure... and just cause she tells you she doesn't want help, does not mean that she doesn't want help...
Not really confusing when you look at it...
How can you participate in the same way, and at the same level, whether she asks for it or not...?
Did you help before because you wanted to help, or because she asked for your help in very specific ways?
If she tells you not to help... and you can tell what she actually means is that she doesn't want you anywhere around her at that moment...
How else might you help around the house otherwise? Like say... she leaves the dishes to be put away after your S is asleep? Or whatever...
You'd not be helping as a way to appease her... rather... you'd be looking at ways of contributing because you want to make that part of who you are within the M...
This vacation she is planning... is it WITH you... or without you...? Because if it is with you, well... we could all pretend that she is just trying to lead you on and keep you enmeshed while she plans her exit...
but... maybe she is testing you and wanting to know that you are still committed and intend to be with her in June...
Is she excited in talking about the trip? How could you engage her in planning the trip in a way that you are really participating and excited... even if the two of you go in separate planes and stay in different rooms in different hotels...?
Are you being consistent during these times that she is riding the wave?
ie. NO CHANGE in your behaviour...
Or are you engaging her when she is in a good mood... and distancing when she is in a bad mood or distant?
Yes; I'm trying very hard to remain consistently cheerful and "ok." I haven't been openly reaching out for physical contact but I accept it when she initiates it. I'm also keeping quiet much more. I haven't been bringing up small talk conversations when she's happy or when she's down.
Quote:
Even though she's not asking for help, does not mean she does not want it... it might... but unless she tells you she does not want help, then you really don't know for sure... and just cause she tells you she doesn't want help, does not mean that she doesn't want help...
Not really confusing when you look at it...
How can you participate in the same way, and at the same level, whether she asks for it or not...?
Did you help before because you wanted to help, or because she asked for your help in very specific ways?
If she tells you not to help... and you can tell what she actually means is that she doesn't want you anywhere around her at that moment...
I've been helping because I want to help. I want to be there for her and I want to be involved with my son. I've continued to help with out her requests. I help get our son ready for bed. I help get dinner ready. I help with laundry, dishes, etc. I've done many of these things for the length of our relationship. Some of the tasks I've started doing more in the last few months in an effort to lessen the burden on her.
Quote:
How else might you help around the house otherwise? Like say... she leaves the dishes to be put away after your S is asleep? Or whatever...
You'd not be helping as a way to appease her... rather... you'd be looking at ways of contributing because you want to make that part of who you are within the M...
I'm not sure what else I can do. I'll have to ponder this for a while. I've been trying to be as helpful as possible for a while now.
Quote:
This vacation she is planning... is it WITH you... or without you...? Because if it is with you, well... we could all pretend that she is just trying to lead you on and keep you enmeshed while she plans her exit...
but... maybe she is testing you and wanting to know that you are still committed and intend to be with her in June...
Is she excited in talking about the trip? How could you engage her in planning the trip in a way that you are really participating and excited... even if the two of you go in separate planes and stay in different rooms in different hotels...?
The vacation would include me. She does sound excited about planning the trip and has brought it up more than once.
Thank you for your post
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
