Pursuit and Distance

[Accuray]

Nice to hear from you CV, I hope things are going okay. I obviously can't speak for all men but I think of intimacy as it is defined in the book "Passionate Marriage". It's the notion of "letting yourself be seen" by your spouse, or allowing yourself to be vulnerable. With regard to fears for instance, you can either divulge them to your spouse or choose to keep them to yourself. If something is bothering you, you can either willfully discuss it, or keep it in.

Passionate Marriage says that once you can choose to be intimate (versus needing to be due to codependence) then you have arrived. The difference is that the codependent person would define themselves by their spouses reaction to them whereas the differentiated person would not.

My W is a very guarded person, she doesn't like to be transparent at all. She will not put herself out there or take chances emotionally. This defines both how we interact and how we ML. It took me quite a while to figure out that it was the macro level distance that was really bothering me and that sex was just a symptom. Before the bomb I misguidedly thought that making the sec better for her would provide the motivation to connect more overall, but in fact focusing on sex just drove her farther away because she does not respond to sex like I do. Obvious mistake to think that your spouse feels and values things the same way you do. That is a mistake I made in many ways. That's why I found the 5 LLs book so helpful.

I have to unfortunately concede that W did not start pursuing longer term once I started distancing, she said she liked it and asked for more distance and wishes I would be happy with that. I am not.

Accuray