Wednesday morning while my wife and I were getting ready for work she suddenly turned to me and said she thinks we should try separating for awhile. She said that she loves and cares for me but is no longer IN love with me. Needless to say I was stunned and have been in a tailspin ever since.
A little info about my situation...I'm 31 and my W is 29, no kids. We have been married for 9 years at the end of may and together for 11 years. We were both very young when we got married and she actually moved from her parents house in with me. We have had our ups and downs but generally I thought we've been very happy. She told me that I am a great guy and a wonderful husband and that several of her friends have commented before on how lucky she is.
Our problems started a few months ago. She started a new job last year and we also made some lifestyle changes to get into shape. In the last year we have both lost a lot of weight and are now in the best shape of our lives. My W has been the happiest and most confident I've seen her in years. At the same time she was starting to get a lot of attention from the guys she works with (and guys in general) and spending a lot of time out with friends from work. In Feb I started to get a little jealous and insecure about her newfound lifestyle and started to suspect that something was going on with a guy from work. I confronted her about it and she denied it. She was angry that I was 'snooping' on her and told me that I needed to get my insecurity under control or she would leave me.
Not much changed and in early March I discovered the truth. I was still suspicious of something going on. She was constantly on her phone, always telling me she had to work late but actually going out with friends from work. One evening I got into her phone (despite her having installed a password) and I found some explicit texts between her and a guy she works with. I only read a few of them before I confronted her. I was upset and confused and she swore to me it never went any further then the texts. She cried, she said she regretted everything and that she was so sorry that she ruined our trust. She said attention from this guy made her feel good and that it just got carried away.
In the weeks that followed we had some very open and honest talks and things started going really well. I forgave her and she cut off all contact with the OM. Whenever he attempted contact she would tell me and I honestly believe that it is over between them. Everything seemed to improve. We had sex more frequently, our affection went way up, we kissed and hugged more, we talked more and we both admitted that the last month has been the happiest in years. She still goes out with her friends from work a lot and though I had some residual trust issues I worked very hard. Freeing myself of my jealousy and insecurities. Then wednesday happened...
She told me she hasn't felt in love with me for several years and that she doesn't know if she ever will again. She said since she got married so young she never had a chance to discover who she really was. She went right from being a daughter to being a wife and now she was confused about what she wants from life. She said she wants to try being on her own for a while and try to figure things out. I understand how she feels but I was still shocked. We took possession of a house today and had spent the last few months making plans to renovate it to be our dream home. As recently as last sunday we were picking out paint colors and bedding. We even bought a new king size bed. We have 7 weeks until we have to be out of our condo and she wants me to move into the house now while she stays at the condo. I have been in the spare room the last few nights and will be moving my things to the house tomorrow.
I'll admit that when she told me I fell apart. I cried and told her I would be a better man and husband. She assured me I was not the problem. I understand now that my insecurities and jealousy in the last few months have made her lose respect for me. The next morning I immediately started a 180. I put on a strong face, we had a very open conversation and I told her that I still love her and think that we can regain what we've lost. I told her I will respect that she wants space and that I would leave. In private I've been a mess. I've barely slept or eaten in two days. I spent the day at the new house starting to demo and I have to say destroying something felt good It feels odd to be working on what was to be our home now that I'm not sure she even wants to live in it with me. I decided today that I would pull away completely and focus all my energy on myself. I will rebuild myself while I rebuild our house. I think having something to focus on will help me get through. I'm working on getting out with friends more and trying to show that I'm strong and ready to move forward regardless of what she decides.
We spoke briefly this evening. I asked her to really take the next seven weeks to consider what it is she will be giving up. I asked her not to rush into anything she will regret and I made it clear that if we separate I plan on trying to move on. I tried to explain that her losing her romantic feelings for me is common in a relationship the length of ours. I know that what we have is rare and our friends agree. I also know that if we work at it we can regain the spark. She assured me there is no OM and I believe her. She said she just wants to be alone for a while to figure out what she wants.
So there it is...three days in and I'm moving out already. Am I handling this correctly? I plan on keeping my distance and not contacting her, to let her come to me when or if she is ready. I am going to focus on myself. I'm continuing to work out and improve myself. I'm working on my jealousy and insecurity. I even have an appointment to get porcelain veneers to fix my crooked teeth. I've always been self conscious about them and figured now is he time to take care of my needs. I've spent 9 years doing everything for her and I think I need to use this time apart to do some things just for me. I love her more then anything in this world and I will do anything to keep my marriage and rebuild our relationship. Do I still have reason to hope? It doesn't seem like she has made up her mind yet, she just seems lost and confused. It's hard seeing her like this knowing nothing I say will fix it... Any advice for a guy who is at the lowest point of his life?
Hi Hoser! Welcome to DB. I'm sorry you find the need to be here but you will find that you have come to the best place to help you through what is going to be a very challenging period in your life.
Reading through your post, it would seem that your focus is appropriately placed where it needs to be at the moment, namely you. You are going to need to take good care of yourself; sleep, eat, exercise and get a life independent of your WAS.
Something you need to do right away is get yourself a copy of Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busters and get to work reading up on what may be the best chance you have to restore your marriage. It is important for you to understand however, that restoration of your marriage may never happen. But, if you do this right, you will come out of this a better person than when you started.
Also, the things you described as your initial reaction to your wife's pronouncement is typical. But now that you are over the initial shock it is important that you stop all pursuit. You will find that the more you plead, beg or otherwise pressure your wife to come back, the farther away you will push her. So, your GAL (get a life) is going to be very important to your efforts.
One of the things that you should also do is think about the things your W has said were problems in your marriage before she decided to leave. These are the things that you can focus on with 180's that will make you a better, more attractive person.
Enough for now. Keep posting and you will eventually come of moderation. Others will come along to offer guidance and support in short order.
Hang in there. We're here to help in anyway we can.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2thepoint has great feedback. I am a few weeks into my separation with my walk away wife (WAW). The Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting books helped tremendously.
You had mentioned that you told her to contemplate what she is leaving. According to what I understood from the books, I would have not done that (of course I did it the first few days before reading the books, but immediately got on track with not). You see, the way I understand it is that this isn't a sudden decision for her. She has been thinking of this for a while. So yes, she has considered what she is leaving.
Though, the GREAT news for you is that she didn't know what you are capable of. Stop perusing, get a life (GAL), do it for yourself or it won't be authentic. Treat her like the "casual neighbor". I think this means being friendly, respectful, fun, happy, smiley, not depending on them, and most important is if she decides to communicate to you that you LISTEN and let her know you UNDERSTAND. Though don't be rude, don't make them feel bad, and don't try to fix.
Something someone told me that I keep reminding myself. She will be "testing" (you and/or herself) to prove to herself the marriage can't work. Don't fall for these. Stay strong.
You need to move back into your marital home, bedroom, and bed.
This is probably one of only two or three things that are near-100% consensus opinions around here. If your wife is unhappy in the marriage, she is free to leave (altho don't push her).
We spoke briefly this evening. I asked her to really take the next seven weeks to consider what it is she will be giving up. I asked her not to rush into anything she will regret and I made it clear that if we separate I plan on trying to move on.
Although I'm a big believer of INTERNAL deadlines ("I will give this 6 months, while I do thus-and-such to work on myself, etc, and if things don't improve then I will do thus-and-such"), I do NOT advocate communicating whatever your deadline is to your wayward spouse.
I think you will find that your wife will take this as pretty much your "free pass" to do whatever she wants for the next 6.5 weeks, at which point she will promise you the moon and the stars in order to not do anything harsh.
She assured me there is no OM and I believe her. She said she just wants to be alone for a while to figure out what she wants.
WHY do you believe her at this point? Your wife has lied to you repeatedly since beginning her affair, and people IN affairs tend to lie in order to protect the emotional "fix" they get from it.
Trust must be EARNED, Hoser, and your wife has done absolutely NOTHING to earn your trust recently. There's nothing that says you can't still LOVE her (you obviously do), or that you shouldn't fight for your marriage (you should!) . . . but to naively state "she told me there is no OM and I believe her," after reading the first part of your post, just blew me away.
After studying literally thousands of affairs over the past several years, I've really only seen one of two ways work effectively when it comes to the whole "trust" thing. Either get proof of their infidelity, or just operate on the assumption that she is NOT telling you the truth, and that there IS still contact with OM going on. And then operate accordingly.
You said you don't have kids. Any nephews, or teenagers or young men that you are close to? Try to read your post above with an outsider's eye, and ask yourself: if this were my beloved nephew, and he came to me with this problem, how would I advise him?
You are too emotionally attached to be planning effectively. It's OK to HAVE emotions, but you shouldn't be basing your STRATEGY or your PLAN on them. Now is no time to lead with your heart . . . that's what your wife did, that got her into this mess. Now is a time to lead with your HEAD.
Even before she said she wanted to separate the plan had been for me to move into the house in order to do renos. I had booked the next two weeks off of work months ago so I could focus on fixing up the house. She wants to use this time apart to figure out what it is she wants. She didn't ask me to move out, it had always been the plan. Until Wednesday I just didn't realize she might not want to move in once the renos are done. The original intention was she would stay at our condo for the two weeks because it is much closer to her job and the house would be torn apart.
The reason I believe the OM is no longer an issue is because I have access to her email, FB, text logs. I know that she hasn't had any contact with him in the last month. I honestly don't think she is being driven to separate by another man. Maybe I'm just being naive but I believe her. She seems really lost and confused about what she wants out of life. She said she wants to be alone since she's never had that before. She told me the last thing she wants right now is any sort of relationship with another man, that would just complicate her decision even more. Like I said, I believe her, but maybe I shouldn't.
I didn't give her a deadline. The lease on our condo is up at the end of May so she has to come to a decision before then. Either she moves into the house with me or she has to find her own place.
So I had a really rough morning today...I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night and woke up very early to a lonely and quiet house. I decided to start on some of the reno's but I was having a really hard time getting motivated. I broke down a little around mid morning and started to wonder why I was even bothering? Why should I spend my time creating the home we planned together when now she doesn't even want to live in it? I contemplated just leavin it as is, half torn apart. Before lunch I had a very large delivery of supplies and it was overwhelming. I had a friend stop by and help me haul the stuff inside. It was nice to chat have a beer. As the day went on I started to feel better about things. I started seeing progress in the house and it was a good feeling.
Since I left on Sat my W has texted me several times everyday. She has been helping get my things ready at the condo so I can just swing by and pick them up while he is at work. Her messages have been very nice, asking if I have what I need and if there is anything she can do for me. Today she asked if I would come by tomorrow and move some of the heavier furniture to where she would like it. My initial reaction was anger. If she wants to be alone then she will have to figure out how to deal with these things without me! I didn't actually say any of that to her. I tried to be very cheerful and accommodating but I also made it clear that I can't run all the way across town every time she needs something moved. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I'm trying to put on a confident, cheerful front despite how I feel inside.
It feels odd to be working on what was to be our home now that I'm not sure she even wants to live in it with me. I decided today that I would pull away completely and focus all my energy on myself. I will rebuild myself while I rebuild our house. I think having something to focus on will help me get through. I'm working on getting out with friends more and trying to show that I'm strong and ready to move forward regardless of what she decides.