I find things interesting. Papers should be signed this week for the divorce. For all I know xh has signed them and I will get to sign them next week.
Right now Im questioning if xh positive changes were due to him waking up a bit or if it was just for some reason to make things run smoothly at the end of this.
I was reading up on Hero Spoust about Liminal depresson and awakening. I want to say from what I can see he appeared liminally depressed before and during his departure, and extremely anxious.
It doesn't really matter anymore, but after being separated for 1 year now I still find his behvior so odd. I figured I wouldn't even notice it but I do.
Journaling:
May 2011 BD. Leaves 5/5/2011. He has to find himself. Nothing gives him happiness. The only thing that made him encouraged was the idea of getting his own apt. Then asks me what I think he should do. Sobbing, profusely apologizing for failing me and the kids. He's lost without his old job. He resents his old boss for losing old place of business so he can't inherit it some day. Says he can't imagine me not being in his life because it just doesn't seem right. Promises he's not trying to run from his responsibility, he will help with bills, and help with kids, and come back to house as needed. Right now he needs his space to figure out what's wrong. Has no idea how long it will take. Upon gentle encouragment of getting counseling, defensive attitude starts in and he says NO. It would've helped 2 years ago but not now, though he doest doubt he needs psychiatric help.
May - August. The blame is now focused on me full steam ahead. it is now all my fault he was miserable and he now feels healthier and happier on his own even though the lonliness is crippling at times. Consistent contact through texts and emails, some in person. During this time spew, then nice, spew then nice. I attempt relationship talks. WE have a few but I get the typical he cares but doesn't care about me in the way a man should about his wife so there is no reason to stay. We have all nighter at his new apartment. He then says it wasn't meaningless but doesn't solve problems, and then tells me he can NEVER GO BACK to the depression or man he was before.
September - December: Found out OW started in June. Moved in around July. I get mad and hire an attorney and go for spousal support. He tells me the friendship is off. I told him months ago we never had one, we were only parents because otherwise it was too painful. No contact from Sept - December. REfuses to respond to emails about kids issues that I was very concerned with. All info in regards to kids is done through attorneys. Attempts to shove OW down girls throats....was then very abruptly woken up by D12 reaction, and then both D's refusal to spend overnighters with him because of her. Im to blame according to him. Im accused of causing him financial problems.
December: spew, then basic contact re established by him ( of course he made this clear he was re establishing contact with me as if he was doing me a favor) and we keep it about kids visits, schedules, etc.
January: keeping the communication consistent about his schedule and even friendly. Communicates more about the kids. Waves to me for the first time after picking up kids and taking them overnight. child support given upon request.
February: communication keeps up, even in friendly manner. Child support given upon my request without any argument or excuses, actually eagerly tells me when he'll have it for me. Then issue with D9 starts and she has to have surgery. XH is now the H and man I remember him to be.
March:Makes effort to keep in touch daily several times to see how D9 is. Talks to me in person instead of texting from the driveway like a month prior. Walks children inside the house and helps with bags when bringing home. Brings over wheelchair for D9 at my request. Acts guilty and actually asks me if he "gets time" with his kids on his days off as we talk in person. Communication keeps up. Completely involved as a parent. Talks to me about the kids, their moods, if they['re fighting, and sends pictures upon my request when he has them on a snow day. We get into conversations about D9 and D12 involving everything. This is how we used to be....so happy being parents and enjoying the kids. Communication starts to lessen as crisis with D9 has gone away.
April: Communication is less, texts are more short and abrupt, no longer looks at me when bringing children home, complains of migraines, and is moaning and groaning in the door when dropping kids off.Appears irritable and pissy. Has offered to take D9 to MD appointment for me and I decline. He offers to stay at home to make sure D12 can be to school while Im out of town with D9, I decline because we made plans as a family to go together. Wants to take children to the Easter Egg hunt, and literally orchestrates it so they will go with him. Finds out he can't take them cause he made plans before he found out his schedule. Tells me he's trying to figure out what to do. I offer to take care of it. After that contact minimal. He doesn't respond to texts, saying he hasn't gotten them. D9 the messenger and I find out his schedule through her. 3 days later he texts me schedule. Finds out we have contractor in the house to renovate bathroom, accuses him of stealing D12's ipod.
I just find it interesting.
I am no longer wishing to have a relationship with him or reconcile. I don't want to speak to him, see him or have anything to do with him. I resent that he's at my house every day.Interesting thought, he is more available and more present in our lives now than he was when he was here, yet he hasn't lived here in a year.
Im working VERY hard on my stinking thinking and trying to distract myself over getting stuck in my resentment towards him. Anytime he makes a comment to me, or to the kids and they relay it to me that indicates any sort of involvement with us outside of basic visitation, I get furious. I feel like he's still here thinking he can tell me what to do, and then turn around and criticize me for what I did in the first place, like he always used to do.
It is none of his business if I have to have a contractor in here renovating things while I can't be at home. It is rude that he interfered with Easter plans. Our original plans were changed all because he talked D12 into doing something she wasn't sure she wanted to do, yet he tells me she did want to do.
So I am left to live with a very akward situation and I resent that. I know I sound crazy. At first I wanted my marriage intact and wanted to save it.Good memories were surfaced when D9 had her crisis and he was the H and man I remember him to be. I missed that man and it pulled at my heart strings. Then my walls went up and I've been very defensice since. And now, if it weren't for the fact I have children with this man I would be pleased to never speak or see him again.
