Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[breakdownbill]

I've talked all about it in IC. After the past week, I'm wondering about finding a gentle way to talk about it in MC.

I'm just having a ridiculously hard time with the deceit. I asked her directly the day after the bomb and she said there was noone else.

Sounds exactly how it unravelled for me too, I was told there was noone else & that it was all my fault & that she had felt unhappy for ages.

You can check out my 1st thread as to how I handled that conversation - it was far from gentle - a lot of hurt - pain & tears. Look your W is hiding it from you because she recognises that it is wrong (believe it or not that's a relatively good thing in this scenario), the reaction you don't want to get, but might is if she knows you know about it, she says she doesn't care & that she will carry on seeing them whatever you think. Prepare yourself for the worst case scenario in these conversations.

But, I'm thinking that this has become a rather serious EA and if I can somehow get it out of hiding, at least she'll have to own up to it. I guess what I'm wondering is if I can get it out there and open, it would be a little more "real" to her I think and less of a special secret fantasy?

I can see your logic, but I doubt the outcome you are hoping for will be acheived. When people say detach and let go this is a prime example. You don't see it this way yet, but you are trying to figure out a way to control an uncontrolable situation. The only way you can make this a difficult decision for your W - is by becoming a man that she would be a fool to leave. Work on yourself, you can't afford to wallow anymore, you have to do positive things to create a positive state of mind for yourself. You can do it, look at it from another perspective. Lets say you don't stay together with your W - would you stay the way you are forever? No, you would pick yourself up & live a life that makes you happy. You have to do this now, if you do it now you have an outside chance of saving your M - but your motivation has to be for a better life & better happiness for you regardless of what happens - otherwise these changes won't last.

It would be a very difficult conversation, which is why I was trying to get ideas how to bring it to light in MC.

Seriously, why do you want to bring it up in MC? Would you want to be confronted on something like this in that environment? I know I wouldn't - if you want to save your M - you have to show your W that you will protect your R no matter how fragile it is now & that her feelings and happiness is important to you. Bringing this up in MC, does neither of these things & will make you look weak to your W.

Trust me, you don't want to do this

Bill