the path is the goal...

[zig]

journaling

the conversation tonight with h went really well, i felt.

i read LRT a couple of times before he came over so that it was really clear to me that i was not trying to manipulate anything - i really did need to air some things that happened after the accident.

i think , even though he didn't want to show it that h was deeply affected by what i told him. it gave me a real sense of peace - to have this out and to let him know.

the odd thing is that we talked for quite a while, and at some point went back to the movement disorder and i sort of hinted a bit that there was the other side of the story (meaning his role) and at first he got a bit defensive and started on his usual thing of how he did the best he could blah blah and i can't remember exactly what i said, but then it was quiet for a bit and he looked a bit agonized and turned to me and asked "what could i have done?"

i didn't jump into it but carefully confirmed that he really wanted a real honest answer and then told him gently how my asking him to go talk to someone would have saved both of us. i even got a chance to tell him what the therapist had told me last year - how it was very possible that he had some form of ptsd because of what was happening with me. he pointed out that he just felt helpless, overwhelmed and depressed, and i told him that the therapist had told me that those were the symptoms and that they were not in response to me the person in the relationship, but were in response to the symptoms that i was dealing with

i feel this huge sense of relief - i got to say and he took it really well what was so utterly painful that i went through - and he acknowledged it - without fighting or getting nutty on me.i talked about a couple of other things to do with the sexual abuse and how it affected our relationship.

i made sure to let him know, and that was my intention, that everything i talked about was only to do with my own healing and possibly his and son's

it was a moment of healing for us, there was no doubt about it,

he said odd things all through the conversation, and it gave me the strong feeling that he was trying very hard to feel out where i'm at. in that way my having been dim all these months really showed it maybe working

he brought up the house again - really trying to find out how i felt about it. i told him some pretty neutral things and then asked him why he was asking so much. after many mins of humming and hawing he finally managed to say - "i'm really glad that we are getting along so well, and i don't want to compromise that - but also added that he thought i might see that as a move further away.

so i said is it a move further away and he said yes

so mixed messages there -

i kept moving the conversation towards positive things and we actually talked about how we view life - and it's changed for both of us and become more similar. he said that he saw us as being on the path, and that we didn't really know where it was going, and that he wanted to just let things happen in their own time.

he asked me if i saw our sitch as amusing sometimes or utterly tragic - i replied that i didn't see it as either, but that we were where we were and that things just needed to unfold in their own time (tragic? of course i see it as tragic - what the hell does he know!! and amusing - he must really be mad!!!!)

then he says - so we worked through a lot of stuff, we don't have any problems now do we - i started to laugh because i thought he was joking - he was serious!! he said sometimes i am really clear about stuff and sometimes i'm oblivious - i feel right now that i'm oblivious and i simply can't think why you are laughing

i was so close to saying - of course we have a problem - a huge one - you're openly having an affair while we are still married and you're telling me we have no problems?

but i didn't say it - i couldn't tell if it was DB'ing or not to state the f'ing obvious - so when in doubt keep quiet, right?

i have no idea if i should have said that!!