Just wanted to let you know that I am SO going through similar things at the moment. I don't have much in the way of advice - but felt I should reach out to let you know that I feel what you're going through here.
My heart goes out to you.
Originally Posted By: zig
[/b] about being friendly with him - this is a really difficult arena for me - all through our relationship i used withdrawal and disassociating to "punish" h. my big 180 has been to stay right there, smile and really face things instead of turning away.
i know that this has had a positive effect - h has told me several times that i have been amazing during this sitch - and he never imagined i could be that way
This is my sitch exactly Zig. It creates a bind (!) though doesn't it, when LRT is called for?
no - in my heart, i can't bear the idea of being friends with him while he is "treating me this way". but my instinct tells me that that is the only way to touch his heart - he has a real thing about me not accepting him the way he is - and i really believe that when i am friendly, relaxed and at ease around him, he doesn't feel me judging him as he always felt all the years.
Again, we are in the same boat - I judged almost everything he did.
i will acknowledge that for myself it is very strange - i have no problem at all being at ease around him - and it feels completely okay, but afterwards, i fall apart - i haven't found out what that means for me - just the emotional effort? i don't know - because strangely enough, i don't feel as if i'm making any effort. i think it's because i feel how good the vibes are between us when he's there, and then he still walks away - and that's what makes me fall apart
Yes, yes, Isn't this weird? Things seem so good and yet, H still walks away and is not moved an iota from his original position.
[b]There are also ways to go dark and I think LRT covers them, along with the 37 rules, that allow you to go quite "dim" but not dark. Meaning that you don't start conversations, but then you don't avoid or ignore them if they are started by your H and do not revolve around the kids. That's how I did dark with my W, I did NOT engage in conversations that did not have to do with the kids or the separation agreement...
i've basically done that for months now - maybe slipped a couple of times in the r talk - for a couple of sentences, but h immediately says let's not go there.
the weird thing is he's not doing the lashing out and railing thing at me anymore.
Yes, exactly the same for me.
on the other hand after many months of staying pretty dim, only when i went less dark did h start showing that he wanted to be more around - maybe just mirroring? i don't know. or was he just respecting my boundaries and then when i loosened them he could stride right in where he left off
