the path is the goal...

[zig]

[/b]thanks so much kd for all you've written. there have been so many developments here since i last posted that my head is spinning.

about being friendly with him - this is a really difficult arena for me - all through our relationship i used withdrawal and disassociating to "punish" h. my big 180 has been to stay right there, smile and really face things instead of turning away.

i know that this has had a positive effect - h has told me several times that i have been amazing during this sitch - and he never imagined i could be that way

about the "we" thing - the reason i'm asking is because - i haven't heard him say "we " once since this sitch started, and then after his trip, he suddenly started using "we" again

no - in my heart, i can't bear the idea of being friends with him while he is "treating me this way". but my instinct tells me that that is the only way to touch his heart - he has a real thing about me not accepting him the way he is - and i really believe that when i am friendly, relaxed and at ease around him, he doesn't feel me judging him as he always felt all the years.

i will acknowledge that for myself it is very strange - i have no problem at all being at ease around him - and it feels completely okay, but afterwards, i fall apart - i haven't found out what that means for me - just the emotional effort? i don't know - because strangely enough, i don't feel as if i'm making any effort. i think it's because i feel how good the vibes are between us when he's there, and then he still walks away - and that's what makes me fall apart

please please help me with the following - mil told me the whole actual conversation finally this afternoon. part of it went like this:

mil: what if you and zig get back together, what will you do with the house?
h: well, i imagine zig would like to move in here, because this is where she's always wanted to live (it's true - almost the exact block) and then we could sell our house (that's the one i'm living in now)

i was frankly astounded at his answer - i would've expected him to say "we're not getting back together"

trust me, i am NOT getting my hopes up, at all - there is no reason to right now. but could this at least mean that it is in the realm of possibility, for him to answer like that.

i know, i know, stupid question

[b]There are also ways to go dark and I think LRT covers them, along with the 37 rules, that allow you to go quite "dim" but not dark. Meaning that you don't start conversations, but then you don't avoid or ignore them if they are started by your H and do not revolve around the kids. That's how I did dark with my W, I did NOT engage in conversations that did not have to do with the kids or the separation agreement...

i've basically done that for months now - maybe slipped a couple of times in the r talk - for a couple of sentences, but h immediately says let's not go there.

the weird thing is he's not doing the lashing out and railing thing at me anymore.

i'm hesitating about the let - because i did go as dark as i could for a few months and it didn't seem to help - except now when i right that, i realize, that that's not true - i was emotionally doing way better when i did that - now actually since i started being more friendly, is when i started doing pretty badly

on the other hand after many months of staying pretty dim, only when i went less dark did h start showing that he wanted to be more around - maybe just mirroring? i don't know. or was he just respecting my boundaries and then when i loosened them he could stride right in where he left off

i think i do need to go dark - how do i suddenly do that? or gradually? do i stop going to the therapy with him? tell him i need some space to work through my own stuff?

he's coming over in a little while to talk - i'm not going to say anything about this. not till i've worked it out in my head for myself

i sent s to mil's for dinner and the night - just can't handle being a mom right now - just need little break for this evening.i need to pul myself out of this hole i'm in and start moving on. one last thing to tell h before i do that - it's about some messed up stuff with the movement disorder that i need to own and get off my chest - i've been wanting to tell him for well over a year, but haven't been able to. this whole emotional crisis the past few days has made me realize that if i don't let him know about this, the 3 of us cannot move forward and heal.

and we very much need to do that - yesterday he said to me - i want this tension between us to be gone - what i need to tell him is very much a part of that. it's going to take a great deal of courage to tell him and i'm really nervous - but it feels really right and it helps me to take one more step forward in the right direction

i'm letting him go, i know that - and taking the time to heal for myself

i'm not worried about sending him packing with LRT - i'm focusing on sending myself packing from this sitch (weak watery, teary eyed smile)