Stuck in Holding Pattern

[bustorama]

Standing up for your boundaries is always the right thing to do. So you did the right thing in saying, "I'm not OK with this OM situation." If she can't abide something centrally important to you, then you know anyway where you stand with her (right now).

My W, even at our first MC sessions (which came after SHE said she wanted our R back and after I almost walked away again because of her talking about not being sure about her feelings) said that she was unsure if she could ever regain feelings for me, if she even wanted to try, if we can ever really feel connected again, if she even loved me anymore or could ever love me like she did before or needed to. She said all those things. And how unnatural and forced our first date felt.

(I said something like, WTF, why are we even here then, I didn't come here for more of this, and the therapist had to settle me down). My point is that it's ok if that is where she is now. Don't push her for more. What our MC did (and what I should have done) was simply to validate her.

"Yeah, you don't feel like we can ever have the connection you want for a healthy marriage. It feels like to you like it just won't ever happen or be there. That you'll never really feel connected to me the way that you want to. And you wished you felt differently, right? I get that, W. That must suck to feel that way. And for things to feel so awkward, forced, and unnatural now, especially since we've been apart awhile."

(period) you don't try to fix it or convince her of anything.

Because in W's eyes, we never once had the connection she feels she needs in a marriage, she's having a very hard time with our reset plan.

Yeah, she is still partly in the WAS mindset, not quite defogged. Might be partly cause of the continuing contacts with OM. Partly because of the past and present distance between you. Don't argue her out of any of this. Just listen, and occasionally validate, and GAL.

She felt like it was forced, and our communication was very surface-level. MC tried to hammer home with her that its of course going to seem like that at first. We've had about at year of distance between us, and if someone told him to get in shape for a marathon, he couldn't do it in 3 weeks, it would take several months of hard work. He has no doubt in his mind that we can make the connection W expresses she needs. I believe it too, but don't really know what I can say to 'convince' her of that, so I said nothing.

Don't try to convince. Even your MC should be careful about trying to convince her of anything. (he is only in a position to do so if she already trusts him in some way). Just validate and keep GALing, doing your own thing. The steps have to come from her. Anything forced on her (or too structured) can backfire.

I told her I feel disrespected that she can't cut ties with him and that it's going to be hard for me to want to continue on knowing he's in the picture.

You can be even more vulnerable and say that you do not feel "safe" being in a relationship with her (or anyone else) that keeps having contact with someone that intruded on your R. Sometimes, disrespected can come across as too authoritative or controlling and can push people away. "Safe/unsafe" tends to pull people closer.

I'm just very frustrated that we're still in this situation and that I still do love her a lot, which is why I'm so conflicted.

Don't volunteer the love statements (yet). They are still pressuring/smothering to her if she is not feeling the same (yet). It's fine to say that you also are frustrated and conflicted about the situation, because you do still have feelings for her and would like to feel more connected to her, but that you also have a life to live. That's probably about where she is with you, recognizing that she has feelings for you and wishing she felt more connected with you.

I responded saying thanks and just saying I know this is confusing for both of us. Have a good day and good weekend.

Yep, spot on. Then you GAL (til she contacts you again).