Stuck in Holding Pattern

[ben11]

Went to MC last night. Not really sure how it went, but I suppose as far as saying what I needed to say, it was good.

General theme is that she doesn't know if we can ever have the connection needed for a healthy marriage, and I don't think I can continue on without OM being completely gone from the picture.

Because in W's eyes, we never once had the connection she feels she needs in a marriage, she's having a very hard time with our reset plan. She felt like it was forced, and our communication was very surface-level. MC tried to hammer home with her that its of course going to seem like that at first. We've had about at year of distance between us, and if someone told him to get in shape for a marathon, he couldn't do it in 3 weeks, it would take several months of hard work. He has no doubt in his mind that we can make the connection W expresses she needs. I believe it too, but don't really know what I can say to 'convince' her of that, so I said nothing.

As far as OM is concerned, she still does talk to him from time to time. She says its more just keeping in touch, and that he's a part of her brothers extended circle of friends, and they're all in the same industry so she's bound to run into him anyway. I think there's more to it than that. I told her I feel disrespected that she can't cut ties with him and that it's going to be hard for me to want to continue on knowing he's in the picture. She understands, but didn't really say what she would do about it. I never gave any kind of 'him or me' ultimatum, but as of now, our reset plan is on hold.

I'm actually not sure what will come of this. We didn't leave MC with any kind of game plan. MC said he'd email us both with some things and we can go from there.

Upon parting ways, we had a long hug. I told her I'm sorry if I was too hard on her in the session. I'm just very frustrated that we're still in this situation and that I still do love her a lot, which is why I'm so conflicted. She didn't really say anything, but texted me this morning apologizing for making me feel the way I feel, and she doesn't know why this is so hard (to figure out, to move forward). Said she should've told me last night, but didn't know what to say.

I responded saying thanks and just saying I know this is confusing for both of us. Have a good day and good weekend.

So yeah, not sure if this is the beginning of the end, if its the start of another stage of limbo, or if it's the start of something good. I really have no idea.

Just going to take the weekend to enjoy time with friends and reflect on what I really want...