the path is the goal...

[zig]

ever since our conversations here about the double bind - i've stopped trying to protect him or excuse his behaviors -and since it happened just before this house thing, the anger that i was barely starting to acknowledge, erupted after the house thing

at the therapy - i was completely looking at him in a new way - when i wasn't trying to excuse what he did, any longer, i started to see how he is hiding from himself and this persona that he creates for the rest of the world.

i guess i need to decide if i'll go to therapy with him - he did say "this is going to teach us a lot about ourselves ( i think he meant himself)

ever since his trip back, he keeps saying "we " everything and i am very suspicious about that

yesterday i did point out to him that we were on different paths. he kept asking me how i felt about the house. should i have said i preferred that he move back in here ?

i told him that i didn't get to decide what he did with his life, and the details of it any longer and it was the same for him about my life - was that the wrong thing to say?

i want to tell him that i'd much prefer to see him come back and work things out - yes i know - completely against db'ing and i'm not going to do that.

but he keeps asking and i don't know why he is asking - is he trying to feel out what i want or is it just the manipulation thing so he can continue to cake-eat?

is it better to be good friends, as he wants and hang out together so there are more opportunities to have good moments together, or go completely dark

i sort of went dark after the first 2 and 1/2 months and i noticed that he was much more pained and uncomfortable. then when i relaxed a bit and allowed things to be more friendly and let him come over and do stuff at the house, he seems to have relaxed more around me

so i'm confused about what to do. i know when i show ultimate kindness, i think he feels better towards me ( i wasn't kind during our relationship) but then i feel really manipulated when he turns around and drops a little bomb. am i just freaked out right now, and nothing really bad has happened and i've just blown everythingn out of proportion because of this house thing?

i just can't see what works and what doesn't - when i think it's working, he goes and does something like this - am i seeing it all wrong and that as you say, the house is just a logistical thing.

mil told me that when he asked them he said - i just don't have a "home" for s, and i'd like to set that up for him and asked for a loan. i wish they could have had the strength to say to him well - you do have a home for s and for yourself, you just left it and keep taking s out of it every other week