the path is the goal...

[zig]

cat04 - did you reconcile your marriage or get divorced - i can't tell , and i don't know your story, or are you still in the middle of your sitch? i'm sorry you went through what you described with our X's family. how did you recover from it? what helped you the most"

your advice to me is very wise - i have spent months "forgiving" h and now when he decided on this house thing - even though i said that it didn't bother me, i realize now, that it did - terribly and i woke up this morning just so angry with what he is doing and continuing to do and feeling even more angry with his parents for enabling him to continue doing it

i have to get a handle on my own anger and forgiveness towards him

the thing i struggle with is if he wants to leave, why doesn't he just make it right for all of us and just leave - openly and civilly. i know that's a futile question, in a way - no one has the answer, but i feel so manipulated by his actions - his being nice when he feels like it, his cold callous behavior when he doesn't - the back and forth has, i realized put me in a state that is really unhealthy

i still feel the pull of him so intensively - and that's not good for me, but i simply don't know how to get out of it.

mil told me a few minutes ago, that after our talk yesterday she was going to go home and tell them that she wouldn't buy the house. but when she got home fil told her that h had been over, and told them how happy i was about him getting the house and i was great with it. mil said she was really shocked and didn't know what to do (i was db'ing and responded to h by saying that i was happy for him and especially for s, because that would be more like a home for s and make him more comfortable being there - i didn't say anything about how i felt)

then this morning when i started telling her how i never wanted him back she thought well this is good then. and after i calmed down this afternoon and realized the reason i'm kicking and screaming is because i'm so upset about this house - and about them enabling him, i just went a bit crazy - and that i did want to save this marriage, and still thought it was possible, if h could see his role in things and WANT to be a better person with me.

i need some serious therapy here to get myself straight.

i'm so tired - i can't even finish describing everything so that i feel i'm putting it down coherently - i've just spent the whole morning going on about how he did the equivalent of mentally abusing me in some way, and now i've flipped over the other other side and still want to reconcile this. am i going crazy? or do other people do this too?

how do i go dark - he keeps s's stuff at his place and makes a point to bring it over - s came over to me today after school, but when i got there, his stuff wasn't with him (medication) which means that i have to call h to get it.

can i tell h that i am not happy about the house, or the separation and to stop saying that i am - i told him yesterday again, that the separation was good for us because it woke me up and made me start working on myself. his response was - yes i realized i don't have to take care of you anymore

are there any detailed descriptions about going dark and how to do it?

my little business? well as part of therapy for my fine motor skills i was knitting a lot and really got into it about 3 yrs ago - but the repetitive movements caused more problems, so i got into machine knitting, i've been making shawls and wraps and teaching myself for the last couple of years. friends started to buy the odd one here and there, and because i can't really go back yet to what i used to do (ceramic artist) i decided to start a little business and feel these shawls.
mil - who has a lot of contacts set me up with a store downtown (owned by a friend of hers) to have a sale there at the end of this month - and is really pushing to get me started. i have got in touch with one of our friends who is a pretty good ceramic artist (old friend of h's, with whom i did some stuff before the accidents) and he has agreed that i can come work in his studio in exchange for doing work for him, as i can't afford to set up my own studio right now. so between those two things i was hoping to start getting back to where i left off the day before the accident (i was preparing my ceramic work for the top design show int he country and had to give it up)

sadly h is right - it will take a while for me to start earning steadily - and i guess i'm really mad at him, for not only putting me in this difficult position, but him needing to emphasize it to me every chance he gets.

he sees me as so helpless - even when i am not. it's as if he needs to keep that image in his head all the time.

i wish i could regain all the confidence i used to have - - sigh - i guess that's the crux of the problem here.

thanks cat
zig