the path is the goal...

[cat04]

Regarding your M, do you want to reconcile it or do you simply want an amicable D?

i don't know what i want - all i know is that right now i am so freaked out, by realizing everything that happened that i want to get away from him as far as i can. amicable divorce to me means that i have to be this person who pretends that i'm ok with everything and acts it all day long while he gets the satisfaction of [censored] up and walking away.
i guess i am not able to forgive him right now.

Forgivness... ( one of my favorite subjects )

Is a gift we give ourselves.

It isn't for them, it doesn't erase their actions, it doesn't absolve them of anything, it doesn't make us forget, but it SAVES us.

It is a way to release our anger and frustration, to let go of the baggage that will stay with us if we don't forgive.

Not forgiving allows us to hold onto judgement, anger, and self righteousness.

It will send us down the road to Bittersville if we are not careful.

Forgivness is a choice. It is freeing. It is also something we have to work at daily until it finally starts to come naturally.

There is no set way to learn how to forgive, it is something that is different for everyone.

For me, it was very spiritual. It was something that happened as I learned what unconditional love meant to me. I prayed daily for God to help me forgive, like He forgives, until that peaceful feeling was with me every day. Until the feelings of anger were no longer there.

While I can't force you to try to learn to find forgivness, I do encourage it. It is an important step no matter what direction you find yourself heading.

if you were overwhelmed by what i described - it was the tip of the iceberg - can you imagine how overwhelmed i was?

Actually, I have a very good idea of how overwhelmed you are. I was codependent, in a family of crazy, drama seeking, alcoholic, backstabbing, codependent, abusive people (X's family).

It affected me badly. I had bouts with cancer every few years, migranes, skin eruptions, I was shut down many ways emotionally...

Sound familiar?

I wrote a story similar to yours many many years ago...

I can tell you that simply leaving it isn't going to make it go away. It will still be there and it will still have the opportunity to take it's toll until you gain some understanding of the dynamics and decide how you are going to react to those dynamics.

i realize that i right now, i feel really trapped. s is deeply entangled with them and everyone tells me how much i will hurt him emotionally if i take him away from here.

I understand you feel trapped. I don't know if it is advisable or necessary for you to take your S from there. Or from them.

No matter how screwed up they may be, they are his family and it sounds like, a huge part of your lives.

Are the relationships you have with these people really serving you or are they hurting you?

i think they are hurting me right now -

If they are hurting you, then you need to find a way to minimize that. Until you are stronger and able to not be affected by the craziness...

Be careful with your MIL. She may be the one who sees things and makes sense, but she is still a part of that family and unless she too is working on strengthing herself to break the patterns of interaction within the family (I don't mean D but the overall dynamic), as you get stronger, she has the potential to become a problem for you.

My MIL was my best friend for almost 20 years. As I began to break away from the drama, to step outside of it, suddenly I was the devil in her eyes. Long story...

even during the conversation with mil, i kept feeling like she was turning my words around and making them sound different to what they really were. in the end i was sobbing sorry to her - and i'm wondering way happened there

Don't wonder, it is not a surprise to me. It goes along with the drama that exists in the family situation.

Also, you say you aren't angry, but don't be surprised if it comes. It is something that happens when we take our rose colored glasses off and see things clearly for what they are. It may be anger at the family, maybe at God, maybe at yourself, probably all of the above.

Work on being dark. There is no reason to say anything to anyone. It isn't something you are doing as a punishment, it is something that you are doing to get your own footing. Talk about financial matters and child matters.

Anything negative that gets said to you, develop thick skin. It is going to have to roll off of you like water on a ducks back.

Come here to vent your feelings, try not to show them in front of your S. For him, you need to be strong, caring, kind, confident. Be his rock. He will learn from your example.

This is not the end of the world. There is no reason to make any major decisions right now.

Keep working on your business idea. It sounds wonderful and I would love to hear a bit more about it.

Time really is your friend...