Thanks for your support - it really helps in times like these to know that you guys understand.
I've been pretty down the last couple of days.
So low, in fact, that I haven't been able to bring myself to answer the phone when I see it's H ringing.
Conditioned response, I suppose: when he contacts me it's usually painful.
So, three missed calls since yesterday.
And all I feel is a sense of relief.
What does this say about my commitment to db-ing?
I feel more and more like I am simply dragging out the agony. I can't heal from this with H around all the time. I keep thinking: if only he'd just disappear.
I remember that feeling well. When I would see h's name pop up on my phone from a call or text, I felt absolute dread...same thing with getting an email. I don't think it says anything negative about your commitment to DB'ing that you don't want to answer. I think you are trying to detach yourself from his drama and the pain he's caused you. If it's an emergency or very important, he'll find a way to get in touch with you. Otherwise, he can leave a message and you can get back to him when you feel like it.
I hope you find some happiness this weekend, NLW. Get out with your kids or go have a cocktail or lunch with a friend. Plant some flowers (I know how you love working in your garden). Get a good book from the library. Go for a walk. Breathe.......you can get through this.
