the path is the goal...

[zig]

I am not going to get into any of the details of your posts, because I am not sure that the devil is in the details in this...

[censored], KD

to read this sentence soon after i woke up - you have no idea how it hit me

i'm spinning right now - i think i see something going on here that is way beyond what i thought it was

i'm starting to get scared

mil is having in a nervous breakdown - and this morning i realized, that she chooses to have a nervous breakdown that she is hiding, rather than do the simple thing of just telling fil that she doesn't want to participate in s's choices

as i woke up this morning i realized that after the accidents, i also went into some sort of emotional shut down - rather than deal with h's way of treating me.

there has been some really screwed up stuff going on here - since the sitch started mil and i have been talking sometimes for hours everyday - i thought she was supporting me - but when i look back i think i am beginning to realize that something else was going on. i'm not sure exactly what - but it started to feel quite screwed up and so i started to pull back

history: h's grandfather on his father's side - his first wife (fill's father) committed suicide in a pretty violent way when they were young. all the year''s we were married, i felt really really strongly that i knew EXACTLY WHY she did it - i felt driven to the edge all the time. i saw in h's grandfather this same cold callous disconnected thing going on as well as in his father. h himself, did it in a more subtle way.

i used to scream at h sometimes, - i know exactly why she did this. then eventually i shut down

his grandfather went on to marry 3 more times - each wife a little more dysfunctional than the last - and the last one being my age, alcoholic and substance abuser.

suddenly yesterday - i started to realize that oh my god, i have got to get myself OUT of this situation - there is something really really mad about a father buying a house for his son while his son is doing what he is doing. and for the mother to be sobbing helplessly and falling apart, and then going home and sending me a perfectly "normal" text message saying "got to play hostess for the next few days" (her cousins just came to visit)

i think h and his father need serious help - i think there's some kind of narcissistic thing going on - i don't even know how to spell that - more than that, i think mil and i need serious help.

i've always worried about s and that family - and what he is learning from them. and i'm thinking now i need to find a way to get this influence away from him.

h's sister is having an affair with a woman who's married with a 6 yr old and even though his parents can't stand it, they are letting sis bring the woman and child for mil's parents 70th wedding anniversary

if you could see how h sits there acting all cool and so with it - but there's all this behind the scenes manipulation going on. i believe that him wanting to go to therapy is actually to make sure that we :get along" well so i won't leave and move to another place - i've hinted at it several times

i believe i may be done DB'ing - i'm not imagining all this stuff. in fact i can't even really put it into words yet - i think i'm only starting to realize what may have been going on - and i'm still screwed up from everything to really see it all

i was this really well-known artist with an impressive portfolio for just starting out. i was so driven with my work - within 3 yrs of getting back to work after s was born (took 2 yrs off) i was a complete mess, granted the accidents helped. but some of the stuff that happened was insane and i couldn't really face how nutty things were - in fact he so consistently told me it was me entirely responsible, that i really began to believe him.
interestingly his mom is this really successful businesswoman who runs a company, but i'm starting to see that in her personal life she is an ineffectual mess that she hides super well. instead she just gets cancer every 2 or 3 years

i'm always finding excuses for him - even now - and that, i am beginning to see is messed up

i'm not going to act on this yet - i need to talk to IC , i need to get the right kind of help. one of the most insidious things he has done - is tell me continuously how i can't do anything -he still says it every chance he gets

i'm not really sure where i am this morning - and how to really deal with this. but i'm just going to try and have a calm day - i get s from school at 1 pm and we're having a little potluck at our house saturday and i'm just going to focus on normalizing as much as i can

i feel like i'm starting to remember the real stuff from the first years

so if you're seeing the devil here - [censored] [censored] [censored]