waiting for the other shoe

[ndfarmer]

I think I have been using LRT since she left. What else do I have left? The only 180 I have is the ultimatum. And that means divorcing her. But I dont know if im prepared for that yet. Thats maybe exactly want she wants me to do. Then she can say,"Well he divorced me, I wanted it to work." Thusly saving face.

I wonder sometimes if I'll ever know the whole story. Will I ever stop this merry-go- round? Has far has GAL, once corn and soybeans start that will be my life. I have rented a lake place for the summer. Ive always felt at peace there. Of course that was before all of this. W and I always got along best at the lake. Away from jobs and other distractions. Without her there will it be the same? I doubt very much that it will be.

[~ kd ~]

farmer... think outside of the box... outside of the M...

180s for YOU...

LRT is FOR YOU... to protect yourself from the drama, get off the roller coaster and find some peace... it has nothing to do with your W, except that as you find your peace, the side benefit is you will hopefully become less reactive to your W which may help the R...

While you are doing that, you can 180 yourself...

What are some things that you would like to better yourself at? What are some things you do not like about yourself that you would like to change, that you believe will help you become a better person?

GALing? Maybe you go to the pub for a few brews on the weekend... maybe you like to watch movies... maybe you go quading or somethings... fishing...? Do more of that and then add some stuff that you might not have done before... go to an art gallery... a stage show... a concert... volunteer with a shelter or something...

Do you literally seed from the moment you wake up til the moment you go to sleep? OK, understand that I know you might. How many acres do you have?

You might try something different AS you are prepping and seeding... IDK, maybe see if a local dealer can provide you with a new, demo air seeder... or a new tractor... or a new auger or vacuum... change up your fertilizer supplier... cultivate in a pattern that is reverse from what you normally do...

just CHANGE SOMETHING... mix things up... it really can help your mind clear... and I find when I do things like that, new ideas and helpful thoughts can come to mind...

Stuff like that...

Anything you can think of?

The merry-go-round... the roller coaster... stops when you get off... when you detach... as you detach, things get easier...

[labug]

If you aren't ready for a divorce, perhaps just stopping the wondering and worrying about what may or may not have happened is the thing to do right now. Once planting starts you won't have much time to for it, which is good.

Your thoughts and feeling about your sitch and your wife are going to change and change again over the next several months.

Just sit with it all and see what happens.

Take the focus off her and put it on you.

AS for 180s, begin to practice yoga, meditation, volunteer at your church, or a church. 25 has a whole list of things she found to do in some godforsaken place in Alaska. Read books you never thought you would, watch the movie Cinema Paradiso.

Step outside your box, become interesting and different.

[~ kd ~]

Some other things... during down time... or while you are thinking on the field...

I've been wanting to get into roasting coffee beans... that might also include nuts... to sell within the region / county...

A smoke house? Making your own bacon? My dad surprised me the other day. He has smoking some fish and pulls a brick of cheese out of the smoker... it was a little bitter first day, but once the flavours settled second day, man was it good... he'd already made his own bacon last fall and it was really good...

Woodworking? My dad got into making his own wood furniture... I've got a plan to make my older daughter a wooden doll... make benches, or bird houses (purple martin houses are still popular, I think)...

Photography? Video? I'll go out with a camera and take pictures or videos... This one time... back on the farm... my dad and I took dynamite and would remove trees from the property and get rid of some beaver dams... great to video and show the friends...

River close by? Get a canoe... Build a brick BBQ... I was in the middle of making a combo BBQ/smoker/fire place before bomb drop... it was for GAL, before I even knew what GAL was...

Garden... even if it's high density... wall gardens, potted gardens... flower gardens... plant some trees... do some landscaping on down time... get some crushed rock to spread on the yard and make yourself a rock garden with pond...

Anything...?

[ndfarmer]

Its so hard to think outside of the
marriage. For almost 30 years its been a part of who I am. Even though I didnt do a very good job of it.
And believe me labug, I wish I could stop thinking about what was or was not going on with W and former best friend. I hate not knowing. But I waste too much time dwelling on it.
I met with my counselor today. She thought that I'm doing better. Personally I wasn't feeling it. A very up and down day to say the least. I don't know if my life will ever be what I want. I need my W to love me again. Right now that seems so out of reach.
But I realize that I can't depend on her for my happiness. I need to keep working on myself and make my own happiness. It just seems so hard right now.

[labug]

But I realize that I can't depend on her for my happiness. I need to keep working on myself and make my own happiness. It just seems so hard right now.

It is very hard to do. I've been married longer than you and in the beginning it felt like I'd lost a limb. But you just keep working at it and eventually it gets easier and you feel better and life goes on. The progression is not linear, your feelings will be all over the place for awhile.

Don't wallow for long, keep moving forward. You can do nothing to control her, you can only control yourself.

[ndfarmer]

Labug, can you tell me a little bit about your bombs and where you stand with your spouse now?

[labug]

nd, if you click on my name in red in the left panel of this message, it will bring up a drop-down menu. The last selection is view posts. Click that and pages of my posts will come up. You can find my first post there.

Also my last post on my thread is a pretty good summation of where we are now, but in a nutshell, we live apart, until this past Sun I hadn't seen him since Thanksgiving, we are cordial, we get along, he still wears his wedding band, there is no OW.

Just about 6 weeks ago, I had gone completely no contact.

This learning process has been instrumental in saving me, my marriage may not be saved.

But I'm OK with that now.

[ndfarmer]

Thank you labug, I have been reading many of your posts.

Yesterday was tough. Just really feeling bad about my situation. I ran across a journal entry on my computer from December of 2007. We were having very painful marriage problems even back then. Although there were good times during the period, there were probably more bad. It just hurts to see that this has been going on for so long.

Its so disheartening that my W does not contact me. Is not the purpose of a separation to cool off and reflect on whether life is better apart or together?
She has it in her head that a separation is for living separate lives. Isnt that what divorce is for? How can we solve anything without communication?

After I was done for the day I

[ndfarmer]

Wrong key again, sorry. After I was done for the day, I sent W a text message. I do not want her to think Ive.forgotten her. It said even though Im limiting my contact with you, please dont think you are not on my mind. You are. Should I not have sent it? I honestly dont know