I don't think we will be meeting on Saturday. This taxes thing is confusing and getting more and more expensive.
I finally talked to her yesterday. I was honestly tired of her calling me.
Now that I have processed a little bit.. here is where I am at.
- I've changed alot in the past year. I am very much the old Val.. the Val prior to my M. I am loving, kind, and positive for the most part. DBing may not always be easy, but it comes naturally.
I have learned how to communicate. There were many times yesterday, my w threw "digs" at me. I ignored some.. others I stood up for myself.
I have no desire to be part of a conversation where she is going to make me "guess" how she is feeling. If she is upset, angry, or whatever.. she can tell me. I know I will listen and validate.
.. but I no longer accept her expressing those feelings by putting me down or accusing me of something.
- My wife is no longer my responsibility. I will always care about her and if she would ever truly need me.. I know in my heart that I would be there....
...however she has "kicked me to the curb". Fixing her taxes is NOT my responsibility. I'll do my part for me, but not for her.
There are some people in this world that you have to guard my heart against. People who will take advantage of my kindness and abuse it.
In this moment, this is my wife. I do not know (or care to assume) that she does this with awareness of not.. only that this is where she is in her journey.
- The pain now is the pain that I will feel for a long time. I can move forward with the D knowing that I have moved on and detached as best I can. The rest is God healing my heart over time.
- Space is my friend. Distance is what I need right now. I am enjoying my life and think wonderful things about it.. but I need limited contact with her for awhile. Once the D is final, I will not speak to her at all until I am capable.
Not just because it hurts but because it's really easy for me to convince myself that she cares vs. being civil. I have much more to over come in my codependency. It's best to just keep working on me.
- As much as I would love for us to be civil and communicate as if we did love each other at one point... currently I am the only one who can do that.
Because no matter what I do, she will perceive me as "holding on" or "being angry". She will think what she has to or wants to. Maybe one day that will change.. but I feel like I have been consistent over the past 1 yr. It's up to her to see me...
... and I just don't think that will happen for awhile. She cannot understand what I am feeling.. because it wasn't her who went through it.
... Ahh and my phone rings again. g2g. Thanks DB family. I'm so grateful for you all.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
