the path is the goal...

[zig]

warning - this is probably a long post - and since its me that means really long - can never condense a thing, can i


oh god, what a day - i swear i would have slept through it if i had known what was going to happen. where are the f'ing dandelions to dig up when i need them

was trying to sort through my feelings first talking to my sweet friend who is SOOOO sensible, and then with my mom, and we decided that since the situation was so time sensitive, the best thing to do was to postpone the photography until i had time to sort out what i wanted to do and to calm down from my feelings.

i was in the process of calling mil, to tell her that i needed time, when my cell rang and it was s's school - he'd been injured and i thought - wow, another serendipitous moment - all i have to do is leave a message for mil that i have to go to s and i don't have to deal with explanations etc. until the height of my emotions have passed

couldn't reach h - but got to school and brought s home - talking to h on the way back. it was almost pick up time anyway and he asked if he should come get s or did i prefer to keep him. i was dying to say yes yes i want to keep him but instead said it was fine if he took s and why didn't he come straight to my place.


s started crying ( first time?) when i told him that h was coming to get him and said he just couldn't drive any further and needed to go to my place. so i said that was fine and i'd call h back. he was ok with it, but surprisingly showed up at the house about 2 mins after we got there - i had s laying on the couch checking out the injury, when h walked in

s immediately curled up and sat up and pretended that he was ok - and was looking very uneasy and i just said very gently that he didn't need to worry, dad wasn't here to whisk you off, he'd just come over to make sure you're ok and h reassured him too. he didn't want anything to do with h - and i think h could sense that really strongly and left really soon after that

then it was time to call mil back - 5 missed calls on my cell.

i started by telling her that i was just leaving a message for her that i needed time to process what happened and that then this incident with s came up exactly then.

that i was struggling with how to go forward and i needed some more time. that i wasn't judging their decision but just needed time to find out what was the best thing for me to do.

she fell apart - she was crying so hard she couldn't speak - and then eventually it came out - she didn't want to say yes - but she didn't say no and let them think she'd said yes.

sorry i'm going to all out curse right now - F'ING EXACTLY WHAT H DID FOR 10 YRS

she's been in agony for a week over this - that's what the helpless crying was last saturday she said

so for the next 40 minutes i comforted her , and helped her to see that if she kept doing what wasn't working and then being agonized in her soul, then she needed to change what she was doing. in order to be able to be true to herself (in this case she doesn't want to enable h to continue down his path - but to let him struggle on his own) she needed to get over whatever fear she had about voicing what she felt.

she just cried and cried. i asked her if she could leave the office and offered that she could come here - and just curl up in the bed next to son and giggle with him and watch cartoons.

i told her she was strong enough to get through this and she could just come and be soothed in the presence of the only person in her life who loves her unconditionally. she said she didn't think she could not cry in front of him, and i said yes she could. if i could, she could, because she was way better at it that i was and i had been learning by watching her

she said she'd call me back - but she hasn't yet.

coming up - if s says he wants to stay here, will have to deal with that with h

what a day - i'm so proud of myself - i've stayed calm - i cried a lot talking to my friend and my mom, but it was calm, just emotions releasing

thoughts on the house - it''s a very good thing for s - a home - if w are going to be split-up, then i want home for him with h, not a one-step up from camping situation like it has been.

also, a financial break for h which takes some of the stress off

as for the rest of the conversations from this morning - i hope i just forget it and move forward