Not sure where to start, Part 2

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks, Accuray. I do not intend to tell H anything of what C said. I am keeping it in the back of my mind so things make sense and I know what I am dealing with.

This isn't gonna be so easy. I feel like I am walking the tightrope over a pit of vipers.

[wishing, hoping]

Venting:

So H calls and wants to buy D a new bike for an Easter present. Honestly we had discussed this months ago but with everything going on I never bothered to remind him. I wanted to see if he would remember On his own. To his credit he did. On the way to the store he was talking with me like he hardly ever dIRS anymore. Telling me about work and the school board etc. D picked out her bike and we left I ordered pizza while H went to the hardware store. We ate dinner and D and I played some Sequence while H napped in his chair.

It is so rare for me to see moments like this anymore with H. I miss the way he used to be. I miss the way he used to make me laugh. I miss his dancing eyes. In the past year they just look tired and dead. I miss his jokes. I miss his flirting. I miss him. It is so hard to act as if during moments like this. I just want to shake him back to reality. But I just lovingly distance even though I am fighting every urge to just hold on tight.

Give me strength!!!

[NLW]

Hi Wishing,
Just wanted to say I know exactly how you're feeling and send some support your way.

My H and yours sound like they're working from the same script.

You sound like you're doing great - well, I mean as good as you can under the circumstances.

Just keep thinking of the timeline... this is going to take quite a while, but we're all always here to help.

Keep it up!

[wishing, hoping]

Thank you so much NLW. It helps so much to hear from others and know I am not alone. It is hard to think there is probably another woman who is seeing the things I miss. But I try to remember that he other woman is based on fantasy and I am the reality which is probably why he is pushing me away.

I really appreciate the support.

[wishing, hoping]

So tonight is D's soccer game. First of the season. I rush home from work, let the dog out, change clothes, grab a snack for D, grab her water bottle and backpack and head out the door to pick her up from daycare. I get her into her uniform, packed in the car and still have 15 minutes to kill before her practice starts. At the field H shows up and asks me why I didnt meet him at the house. I told him I didn't know we were meeting then. He said he just assumed I would be there. He told me he went ahead and put away some laundry and stuff before he came out. I thanked him for doing that but deep down I knew he was packing to leave again and that was why. During the game I got cold and he offered me his coat. He got it from the car and even helped me put it on. He has not done that since we were dating!

After the game we went home and ate pizza. I knew he was leaving because he didnt grab a beer. We had smalltalk for a while then he told me he was going up north. D immediately got upset and wanted to go with dad. He told her maybe next time (yeah right). I wanted to say can't you just leave in the morning? But I didn't. No pressure from me. D was another story. She was clingy and crying. I didn't intervene. Not my job. After he left she was upset but I held her and rocked her. I couldn't help but cry a bit myself.

He called about 15 minutes later and asked if she was ok. I told him she was okay. He told me he would call in the morning and then asked me if I needed anything. I didnt know what he could possibly mean. He told me he meant like for the car or anything. I told him I would be fine.

I just don't understand. He is running so fast and so furious. It is so sad really.

[wishing, hoping]

Can't sleep. Feeling so dark right now. I am so tired of this roller coaster and I am having so much trouble detaching. I just keep replaying the bomb over and over in my head like a tape player and I can't seem to shut it off.

I made an appointment to see my doctor and talk to her about my situation. I told my counselor I was having some trouble focusing and he thought it might be a good idea to see the doctor. It isn't easy for me to reach out and ask for help but I need it right now. I cannot do this alone.

I just think back to the end of last year when all the problems started with H and his family. How angry he was, even at me. He told me he knew back in October the marriage was over but didn't say anything until February. He said his feelings were gone after his emotional breakdown and he just couldn't get them back. I am just so angry that he never even tried. Never asked for help, never said anything, never wanted counseling. Almost like he was looking for reasons to end it. I know believe none of what they say and only half of what they do, but H is the king of mind games. And my mind is not focusing well at the moment.

I am so thankful for this site and it's support team.

[wishing, hoping]

Back in Indiana picking up S from my mom's house. H has already called this morning to talk to D. Apparently he is still feeling guilty from past night's episode.

Need to get out and do something but so drained and tired. So sick of the rowe coaster. Maybe seeing old friends tonight. They are a wonderful support system.

[wishing, hoping]

Went out with friends last night to grab some food and drinks. I haven't seen them in years and it was good to catch up with old times. I feel like I regained a bit of my old self back. Part of myself that I have not seen in years.

Trying to be more mysterious but it is hard to be mysterious when you are a mom of small children. Thinking of taking off for a Girls weekend and having H watch the kids. That would be a wake up call for him for sure.

[YankeeCandle]

Went out with friends last night to grab some food and drinks. I haven't seen them in years and it was good to catch up with old times. I feel like I regained a bit of my old self back. Part of myself that I have not seen in years.

You go girl! It is important to nurture friendships - it's a very positive act for yourself.

[quote]Trying to be more mysterious but it is hard to be mysterious when you are a mom of small children. Thinking of taking off for a Girls weekend and having H watch the kids. That would be a wake up call for him for sure.

If you can arrange that, it would do wonders for your sense of freedom and independence. I support you all the way

[wishing, hoping]

So again I wonder why I continue to stand for a marriage that H clearly has no interest in. He has no interest in me and sometimes I wonder if this whole thing is to punish me for something I did or something he thinks I did. What kind of person wakes up after an "emotional breakdown" decides they don't want to be married anymore but doesn't say anything for months and yet starts online dating? Then once the dating picks up drops their faithful unsuspecting spouse like a hot potato? Do I really want his guy back?

Counselor says he is running from reality because he can't cope. That may be true but I can't help but think that maybe I and my kids need stability and clearly he ain't it.