We started marriage counseling & now he wants out

[25yearsmlc]

25, when I logged onto my computer and saw you posted I got more excited than if it were a text from my H:) I always know it's going to be some golden advice.

Thank you. Whatever help I can give, is only b/c of being here, having a great DB coach and supportive mc (eventually b/c he was my 3rd)) and even a good L who was on my side--the side of the m. She got me to file for a sep instead of a divorce. so the assets could be protected (H might have mortgaged the house at one point to invest with his "heroes" and he'd have thought it was brilliant) but she talked me into not ending things then & there, b/c she had "a feeling"...

I feel like in the past 24 hours I have actually started to get it- what DB is all about. I was reading everyone's posts like crazy, devouring Laura Munson's book and I had a session with my DB coach (shot out to Chuck).

Good. Laura Munson sometimes gets accused of holding too many people back from "reality" or not accepting what is. I guess that's probably true for some who see signs of hope when there really are none, But OTOH she also shows you how to detach. Plus sometimes you have to follow your gut, not what you WANT to believe but what you really don't believe - as in, when you "just don't buy it".


I was reading the resentment post from Accuray right before my coaching session, and I think for the first time I was able to come from a place of calm. There was also a line in Laura's book where she says, "I don't buy it" in response to what her husband is telling her, which by the way is EXACTLY what mine is saying. It kind of all clicked when I was talking to my coach.

He told me to treat my husband as if it were my brother talking, that way I wouldn't react. He told me to do exactly what my husband doesn't expect ( obviously a reaction).

Good stuff! ^^^^

So last night I called the hotel and explained the situation and got a refund ( it was a timeshare presentation so both husband and wife had to be present for the "deal"). I send my husband a text "great news- got out of our reservation and our money back! I think you should take that mountain biking trip you have been talking about!" He is always saying that he really wants to take a guided biking tour in Utah so I printed out a schedule of trips for that week (we have already taken the time off work) and taped it to his door.

This ^^^ was perfect. Now back off telling him what else he "Should" do (or you'll be "shoulding all over him", a funny phrase but it makes a point).

Don't fuel any negatives or accusations of being controlling or pushing him one way or "trying to make him feel guilty" (which he MIGHT think in his state of mind).

You handled the dilemma and he's free to do whatever he wants with his time...your cheerful reaction to solving the "mutual" problem was great. Now what he does with his free time is NOT YOUR PROBLEM... make sense?


I am going with the kids on the trip, my brother offered to go (I have 3 brothers, 0 sisters). I am super close with my brother, but I want this to be about me and the kids, and like 25 said, showing him that we are a family with or without his presence.


and showing you and the kids the same thing.

Good for you! Oh be prepared for him to show 1) no reaction or 2) a resentful one as if HE is a martyr....let him. This is his "task" and it's his lesson to learn. You are not punishing him. You are just drawing a line around you/the kids so he can't wreck what's inside b/c HE is miserable. The happier you seem (within reason) the more he'll wonder if this might just be HIM after all...

which he may have known back at the vow re-newals and clung to you more.

***SIDENOTE - I can't help but comment that more than a few couples renew their vows within a year of one of them walking away. Seems like an oddly high number. I don't have empirical evidence, just anecdotal. But many couples here discuss their renewals and I have never seen one in a marriage that lasted, now that I think of it.***

But now he's still sad and depressive and mayne seeing himself for the ingrate miserable person he's becoming is so much easier when they can blame YOU and their chiidhood... rather than realizing this is a pattern he learned in his childhood-

he was not happy then and isn't happy now and he cannot emotionally handle being THE cause of his present misery. (Maybe it would mean he "caused" some of his childhood problems and that makes him a bad person...I'm not a shrink. Just spitballing here...)

This morning when he was leaving for work he said he found a place to rent and he needed our tax return for income verification, I said, "no problem" and grabbed it for him without any attitude. I asked him if he was going to go on the mountain biking trip when we were in Hawaii and he said, "It's not the right time". I said- "I think you should go, it will be fun!"

Tonight was his night to watch the kids, and he really seemed more engaged than I have seen him in a long time. We passed each other in the kitchen, and it was a little akward, he looked sad and usually I would hug him but instead I left for yoga.

So I feel like it has been a good day.

About the MC, I laughed out loud at your comments! I keep trying to figure her out. I think she may be trying to get me to detach, because she "slipped" he other day. I brought in a video of our vow renewal (last August, 10 years) and she said that she had a visceral reaction to seeing it, and she also had tears in her eyes. She said "You may have to just ride this out", but then she caught herself, and said "I don't want you to have any false hope though".

I asked her if I needed to see a lawyer at my session and she said, "not yet". So maybe she is on our side, but wants to fix some unhealthy beliefs we have about marriage and each other? Or is my head in the sand?



Please hear me now...SEE A LAWYER ASAP...your h already has. What are you waiting for?

KNOW THIS---seeing a lawyer is empowering b/c you get information that allays your fears and panic. You need not DO anything but get information.
But do it.

The fact that your h has seen one (and most men make far more financial plans before leaving their families, than women do when they leave their families. FAR MORE) It cannot hurt you to go see a L and I'm shocked she said "not yet".

WHY NOT "SEE" A L? Why not?

HOW CAN IT HURT YOU TO KNOW YOUR RIGHTS AND IF NEED BE, PROTECT YOURSELF?? You don't have to tell him you went, and you don't have to file a thing...

but make copies of the tax information and income verification etc and give it to YOUR L (and don't you dare use the same one).

When my h was in his full blown MLC and wanted to "invest in the GOLD RUSH" up on the tundra (his words, I swear) and said I was "Just being negative"...

the legal separation prevented him from being able to mortgage our home and get at anymore marital assets without my knowing/consenting. Believe me his ordeal cost us a fortune as it was. He got mad at the time but in a few weeks seemed to have things sink in more. But I did not do it to fix us or get a reaction. I did it mainly for my children, and also for some peace of mind. My fears were getting the best of me at night.

So 2 years ago (4 years after the sep filing) he blurts out, "Sure am glad WE did not mortgage our house to buy into their awful partnership" ....like he has amnesia about why "we" could not do that.

I said nothing b/c sometimes that's the most loving thing to do. But in HIS memory it was some mutual choice.

POINT IS - HE IS GLAD "WE" made that choice...wacky, huh? Protect your kids and yourself and do right by them. You will never regret doing that.

But if he's hiding assets or, God forbid, has an OW and is setting aside money for THEIR future

or is just being really selfish and wants to sell hotdogs on the beach and give you a % of THAT income, you need to protect yourself.

I would go see a L and not say a word about it to him OR YOUR MC, Until if and when you must. If you feel compelled to tell her (why?) then say you "got some useful information" and leave it at that.

I found it so empowering to know that I was not going to lose our house or have to move the kids til the oldest d had finished high school. I also learned that h was going to have to pay a lot more than either of us knew.

So frankly, I was more than relieved...and when HE finally saw a lawyer he started stepping back from his "mission" b/c oops it might cost too much. I think it was a cold splash of water in his face. That was some "reality therapy."

I'm really confused as to why your mc would 1) effectively give you LEGAL advice now...
and 2) tell you not to see a L, but to move on otherwise.

That's backwards.

The ONE piece of advice that is safe in nearly all situations is to see a L and get information. Not to necessarily TELL ANYONE but to see one.

Knowledge is power. IF You do see a L, I say you do not tell your mc. Won't she be obligated to tell your h or does she play a "Keeping SOME secrets" game?
Frankly, I don't trust that saving your marriage is her goal.

( Your mc is beginning to remind me of the MC on First Wives Club.)

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I worry about switching because my husband it totally on board with going to her.

sure he's on board- b/c she is enabling him to go on his merry way! He feels no remorse and she doesn't get him to even second guess about his own happiness down the road, when the reality of the mess HE will have created, hits him.

At this point, since he wants a D ( so he says) I think if I wanted to switch he may quit going.

THEN WHAT ARE YOU LOSING?? Newsflash, things are not going well in the mc sessions...she's not even slowing him down...do you get that?

We see her together for 2 hours every Monday, I see her for 2 hours every Tuesday and he does an hour during lunch on Wednesday. This has been since January. I think for now I will let her work on my childhood stuff and get my support for the marriage here with my follow DBers, my coach, my friends and myself.

well, I sure would not expect any improvement in the marriage BECAUSE of her.

I am finding a lot of strength in everyone's stories, thanks for posting them so honestly.

Goodnight

you are welcome! Good luck and keeping on keeping on.