Stuck in a mess

[Dory]

Journaling:

H came over for Easter dinner. We had a good time, he even stayed after dinner to watch a movie with D12 and I.

On Monday I did something incredibly stupid. I'm not proud of myself at all and fear I may have set myself back several steps with H. One of H's buddies gave me a call in the afternoon and asked if he could borrow my pressure washer. It was a nice day out and he said to make sure I had some cold beer, that he would hang out for a couple of beers and catch up. I haven't had anything to drink in months, so my tolerance to alcohol is pretty much nil. So he came over, we had a couple of beers on the sundeck, we talked for a couple of hours, he took the pressure washer and left. By the time this friend of H's left I was feeling pretty good, inebriated you might say. At this point not thinking too clearly, I had another beer. H called. The conversation actually went well, I'm pretty happy and friendly when I've been drinking, thank goodness. Of course, my inhibitions were down so I was able to talk to H without any reservations, without any anxiety or worry that I was going to say the wrong thing to upset him, it felt good, like old times. We talked for about twenty minutes or so...

This is where I ran into trouble and got stupid. It was the first time in months I was able to talk to H freely, without fearing any misstep. I realized how badly I miss that ease of talking with him, how badly I miss having my best friend and how it feels to talk to him without feeling I need to censor myself. That I really miss his friendship. I was feeling very nostalgic.

So under the influence and stupid me, decided to act on my impulses and got out my phone. Didn't drunk dial him but sent him plenty of drunk texts. Think of the dufus at a party who has had a couple too many and gets going with the I love you talk...except in text form.

Fortunately I didn't get too deep into it, I stopped short of the I love you talk. But I did drone on and on about how much I missed him and his friendship and wished for that kind of camaradie again. Three texts total, albeit long ones.

Unfortunately I didn't realize until after I had sent the texts that this is probably the worst week I could've done this. H is already under an enormous amount of stress and pressure with his job and his boss and company president are in town this week. At least I didn't say anything offensive or mean, but I can pretty much count on this not being what H needed to hear from me this week. So I sent a final text apologizing for being a drunken idiot, that I don't want to stress him out and wishing him luck with his meetings this week.

H didn't respond to any of it. And I haven't talked to him since. Could be because I've made him feel totally uncomfortable, could be because he didn't have his phone on and never got the texts (unlikely), could be because he's overloaded with work this week. Whatever it is, I'm afraid I've messed up big time.

I don't know if I should address this with H next time I talk to him and apologize again or if I should just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen.

I feel like a real jacka$$.