Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[breakdownbill]

On the days my reservior of grace and humility is running dry, like today, sometimes I find myself getting really angry. Especially when I'm alone.

I feel so incredibly betrayed, used and attacked. I'm so angry about what's happening to my family and my kids. It's as if someone stole something from me right in front of my face, and is just standing there.

I find myself having *irrational* thoughts about retribution. For example, maybe I should flirt/date some random OW, or go have a physical fling. I found myself having a very irrational and fleeting vision that I was in a serious car wreck--and I confusingly got some minor pleasure out of the vision in that it would hurt W that I was physically injured and would leave her to have to take care 100% of the chores/kids.

Some days are better than others.

Hi Ouroboros

You do get days like this & I've had many of them, but that's what this forum is for, venting your frustration & allowing others to show you how to see things differently.

It's OK to have thoughts about retribution (it's natural), but I'd advise you not to, because the last thing you need right now is any more confusion in your life. You are hurting, feeling angry and at a stage where you are looking outwards for answers.

When people say detach and GAL on here, they mean it, because we can only control our actions, our feelings our choices. It took me over a month to start believing it and to stop feeling like a victim, and you know what I feel a lot better.
There is a lot of uncertaintity in my M, is my W still having an affair? Will we have a separation? Will my Kids be OK?

But all of these questions, I cannot answer, if I think about them I know I will get anxious, depressed and not be someone you'd choose to be around. Honestly, you have to let go of all the doubt, the guilt, the blame & just focus on 2 things right now. Firstly - YOU - if you want to stop feeling bad and start having good fellings and be happy again, you can't wait for them to happen, you have to take action. It can be anything - walking, running, gym - your friends a hobby - do something YOU enjoy for YOU. Secondly - you have to be a great Dad and be there for your kids, no matter what, the happier they are, the happier you will be.

I realised that our spouses choose to be with us, they don't have to be with us. You really do have to just be the best YOU - for YOU and if it wins your W back in time, it's an added bonus. But you have to do these changes for YOU and for your happiness.

I act like I've started a new relationship with my W, now because I don't want to go back to my old M, that's how I rationalise all the horrible, scary stuff in our sitch's.

Don't overthink the what IF's, just work on you & be patient.

Bill