Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[ouroboros]

On the days my reservior of grace and humility is running dry, like today, sometimes I find myself getting really angry. Especially when I'm alone.

I feel so incredibly betrayed, used and attacked. I'm so angry about what's happening to my family and my kids. It's as if someone stole something from me right in front of my face, and is just standing there.

I find myself having *irrational* thoughts about retribution. For example, maybe I should flirt/date some random OW, or go have a physical fling. I found myself having a very irrational and fleeting vision that I was in a serious car wreck--and I confusingly got some minor pleasure out of the vision in that it would hurt W that I was physically injured and would leave her to have to take care 100% of the chores/kids.

Some days are better than others.