Well ... I'm back

[tpc1977]

After work, I ate then went straight to the yard to cut grass, edge, and make it look nice. The rain has really helped make my grass thick and green. My push-mower is on it's highest level and sometimes I still need to go over sections twice just to mulch all the clippings.

While listening to music I got a call from my daughter. My wife lost her phone so she's been borrowing ours until we can get her one. I though maybe it was her, but it was my daughter. She's a daddy's girl, through and through. She's so much like me and wants to please me in so many ways. Sometimes it's frustrating because she never needs my approval, but she's constantly trying to get it. Ironically, I try to do the same thing to my wife sometimes.

She sounded tired on her way to Florida. My wife's father was taking them and a couple of cousins down to visit my wife's sister and her family. The Florida trips are always memorable. My wife's sister is pretty well off and she always makes the visits pretty awesome. At the time, my wife was driving so she didn't get on the phone. I chatted with my little girl for a bit and let her go as I was getting back on the yard. I cranked up the music and went at it again.

After putting all my equipment away, I went inside, straightened up a bit, and took a shower. I stood there in the shower for a while not doing much. The water was extremely hot and it felt real good. Outside the temps were dropping and the wind was picking up. I was just wearing shorts and a t-shirt so I was actually getting cold. The heat from the water was soothing. Then I just started crying. Not long. Just a few seconds.

This heaviness has been on me for a few weeks now. It just seems my wife has given up on so much with her life. Since she was denied her nursing license for another 6 months she really has no reason to continue to try. And because of that she may spin into a cycle of "not giving a sh**" about trying to maintain anything; her NA meetings, her NA steps, her Aftercare meetings, her calls to get tested, her drinking, her drug use, her marriage.

Through all her giving up, if that's what will happen, I feel I'll be given up on too. As much as I've tried and changed and worked on me and us, I feel like I've failed.

After the shower, I stopped in the bathroom and cried a little bit more. I need a good, deep cry. I don't cry much - if any - and I'm due a good one. Being home alone I should just belt one out, but I can't. It's not in me to really cry. After a bit I settled down on the couch with my good bud (my dog) and watched some food shows. When I'm maintaining a race weight this is usually what I'll watch since I can't eat much fattening stuff.

My weight is the lowest it's been in decades. Veins are popping out all over my mid-section and on my legs. This is when I know I'm real thin. Skinny, I should say. It's motivating to keep at it. Through the week it's small meals and a gallon of water. On the weekends I'm a little more open to eat anything since it's when I race or train longer and can burn up the calories pretty easily.

After settling in my wife called and seemed distant. Damn it, this is not what I needed right now. I need a little something to pick me up. I could tell the conversation was going no where so I told her to call me around 9pm to let me know how they were doing. It's usually the time I start fading since I'm up at 3:30am to eat, train, then go to work. She told me to call her if I hadn't heard from her because she may forget. "Yeah, right." I ain't calling her. I don't want to come off desperate or needy. So we said goodbye and hung up. I took a half of a sleeping pill, watched people eating awesome food and faded out on the couch.

About 12am I got a text that they arrived. I looked at it and went back to sleep.

This morning I feel different.