Just some early morning thoughts (which means my brain is not fully awake). But I read what you wrote yesterday and it really hit home for me too. In a lot of ways.
SUCCESS is threatening. Threatening to a spouse who is suffering from self esteem. It would not be threatening to a spouse who wants what is ultimately what is best for you - which is of course - what is best for your entire family.
My Dad used to come over every day after Ex left me. He knew all the dark and dirty little secrets. LIke OT's ex - my ex did some pretty nasty stuff - stuff that made the news - stuff that even my daughter does not know about to this day and hopefully never will. Anyway - my dad (and my godfather), who knew my ex very well (guy weekends together etc) - told me they believed ex left me because I was so successful. In my business. In my charity work.
My ex told me on the night I won a major volunteer award that "I always wanted to do something like this". He was not happy that I got all the glory. He did not share in my feelings of joy. This was very telling and spoiled what should have been a momentous occasion. I let him know how hurt I was. Not a single photo did he take despite the camera was on the table at the dinner we attended. Later he tried to make it up by "posing" a photo with my award, buying gifts of congratulations and a card. But the damage was done - and it stuck with me.
When I first learned about maggot (ow), Ex told me "we understand each other. We both suffer from low self esteem". So he picked someone who he thought was more of an equal. Hmmm...
My friends felt that I had outgrown him. I never saw it that way. At the time. But it did make me think. About how I was always the one who did the most in the family. My ex (upon leaving) complained about how controlling I was (words from ow no doubt). My C said "You were not controlling - you were taking charge of the family - someone had to do it and it is obvious that he left the majority of the work up to you).
I did not mean for this post to be all about me. But your posts awakened some memories in me. They made me remember some aspects of my own growth. When I remember some of the really bad times we were together. The worry that he would leave. Then sometimes - the WISHING that he would leave. Or drive his car off a cliff. (I know how bad that sounds but there were days I DID wish it). Because there were times he was horrible. But I was so afraid of him leaving me but not of him dying. I guess because if he left - he would still be around to abuse me.
I wish that you and Gabe could move to a place where you both feel safe. Because living without that security is horrible. It eats at you. And if you are afraid of growth - then that is VERY telling!
I can only tell you about my own experience. And that is this - once I stopped being so afraid of him leaving - I got so much stronger. I didn't let him stop me. Yes - he did leave. And yes it was difficult and painful. But once I got through it - I found a life that I could never have had if he stayed. I am still the one who does most of the work (with the kids) - but that has not changed and they are still very close to me. They did not like the couple that we had become. They worried that we would split too. But once we did - they did not want us to get back together. Because they knew it wasn't healthy. Of course they are affected deeply by the divorce but probably moreso by the mess the marriage had become and all the walking on eggshells that took place in our family.
You saw in the woman on tv - something major in yourself. The willingness to do whatever it takes to keep your man happy. Despite the toll it takes on yourself. Despite it not being what is best for you.
It is 11 years since that award. And 11 years since ex's affair began. And a few months short of ex leaving. I have grown and changed and I love the life that I have. Ex is stuck, has a lousy R with his kids, is still chasing his dreams - which car, trip, woman, lottery will make him happy. He has not changed. He will never be happy. Unless he finally figures out that happiness comes from within.
Don't lose sight of the important message that was sent to you via The Biggest Loser. Funny thing is that when I heard about that new tv show a few years ago - I was going to nominate my ex for it (not knowing it was a weight loss show). Because he IS "the biggest loser"!
