25, when I logged onto my computer and saw you posted I got more excited than if it were a text from my H:) I always know it's going to be some golden advice.
I feel like in the past 24 hours I have actually started to get it- what DB is all about. I was reading everyone's posts like crazy, devouring Laura Munson's book and I had a session with my DB coach (shot out to Chuck).
I was reading the resentment post from Accuray right before my coaching session, and I think for the first time I was able to come from a place of calm. There was also a line in Laura's book where she says, "I don't buy it" in response to what her husband is telling her, which by the way is EXACTLY what mine is saying. It kind of all clicked when I was talking to my coach.
He told me to treat my husband as if it were my brother talking, that way I wouldn't react. He told me to do exactly what my husband doesn't expect ( obviously a reaction).
So last night I called the hotel and explained the situation and got a refund ( it was a timeshare presentation so both husband and wife had to be present for the "deal"). I send my husband a text "great news- got out of our reservation and our money back! I think you should take that mountain biking trip you have been talking about!" He is always saying that he really wants to take a guided biking tour in Utah so I printed out a schedule of trips for that week (we have already taken the time off work) and taped it to his door.
I am going with the kids on the trip, my brother offered to go (I have 3 brothers, 0 sisters). I am super close with my brother, but I want this to be about me and the kids, and like 25 said, showing him that we are a family with or without his presence.
This morning when he was leaving for work he said he found a place to rent and he needed our tax return for income verification, I said, "no problem" and grabbed it for him without any attitude. I asked him if he was going to go on the mountain biking trip when we were in Hawaii and he said, "It's not the right time". I said- "I think you should go, it will be fun!"
Tonight was his night to watch the kids, and he really seemed more engaged than I have seen him in a long time. We passed each other in the kitchen, and it was a little akward, he looked sad and usually I would hug him but instead I left for yoga.
So I feel like it has been a good day.
About the MC, I laughed out loud at your comments! I keep trying to figure her out. I think she may be trying to get me to detach, because she "slipped" he other day. I brought in a video of our vow renewal (last August, 10 years) and she said that she had a visceral reaction to seeing it, and she also had tears in her eyes. She said "You may have to just ride this out", but then she caught herself, and said "I don't want you to have any false hope though".
I asked her if I needed to see a lawyer at my session and she said, "not yet". So maybe she is on our side, but wants to fix some unhealthy beliefs we have about marriage and each other? Or is my head in the sand?
I worry about switching because my husband it totally on board with going to her. At this point, since he wants a D ( so he says) I think if I wanted to switch he may quit going. We see her together for 2 hours every Monday, I see her for 2 hours every Tuesday and he does an hour during lunch on Wednesday. This has been since January. I think for now I will let her work on my childhood stuff and get my support for the marriage here with my follow DBers, my coach, my friends and myself.
I am finding a lot of strength in everyone's stories, thanks for posting them so honestly.
Goodnight
M 37, H 37 M 10, T 12 S 4 D 2 3/14/12 ILYBNILWY 4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing 4/26/12 H moves to his new place
