"I thought about it more later and it's such a parallel to my own life and that is what angered me so much apparently."
Hold onto this tightly. When things really anger us in a visceral way, in a sustained way, those things are incredibly often about our own pain that we don't want to face. If you can get this and keep it, it is a key to enormous growth. Anger now shows us our pain, our way to growth. Anger becomes deeply valuable, transformative. Notice the anger. Look at it with compassion.
"Scared to concentrate fully on my own health again. My twisted brain equates my taking care of myself with his reason for leaving. I didn't pay enough attention to him, I was wrapped up in my health, taking care of my mom, and taking care of Marc. Well, mom's care is no longer on my plate but everything else still is.
How do I go back to concentrating on me and not being afraid that is going to be a catalyst to him walking out again? It may sound stupid to you all, it really does to me too when I say it out loud, but it FEELS very real. How do I break the association between the two things in my head?"
(1) Recognizing this association is one of your biggest moments. Really.
(2) I don't have an easy answer as to how to stop it from sabotaging you. But, I think RECOGNITION is the most important thing. And you've accomplished that.
(3) It doesn't matter if your success led to the A. Because, wouldn't be YOUR success. It would be your SUCCESS. Meaning, it wouldn't be you, it would be success that led Gabe to act out. And, unless you are willing to live a life without success (which would be horrible for you, Marc, and even Gabe), then that will have to be a problem he will have to confront. It is NOT about you. It is about Gabe. It is about his own feelings of inadequacy that pre-date you. It is NOT YOUR fault.
The best I can do here is share some fairly recent events that were fairly huge for me. I even considered starting a thread, lol.
Anyway, I've been stuck for more than a decade in my professional work in my main area of expertise, call it X. In a fairly recent Google search, I discovered XH was involved in some pretty nasty stuff, screwing around on his new W, repeating the same old disfunctional patterns that he hates himself for. (Don't worry, I'm not an XH stalker, I looked up his current email address via Google and this info was #1 on the Google Search screen. Let your imagination be as nasty as you want it to be, probably not far off the mark.)
Then, I could work on X again.
Hmmmm.... There were many contributing factors. Stability in a new home, feeling settled, job security, fabulous supportive-beyond-belief-H, and so on. But. It definitely helped finding that info.
At first, I felt sick for XH (and still do). But, I also felt a huge sense of relief. I FINALLY JUST THIS YEAR realized that I associated success with X with XH leaving (and a few various bombs in the years before.) I'd do well with X, and XH would really mess up our (X)M.
I did NOT realize this clear relationship until this year. It was HUGELY freeing.
I saw him doing the same old crap and it was NOT about me. I had nothing to do with it.
And, I realized I had nothing to do with it before. It wasn't ME.
EITHER --
(1) The relationship between X and XH's bad behavior was merely random (which it may well have been). (In your case, the relationship between your improved health and Gabe's bad behavior was entirely random.)
OR
(2) The relationship between X and XH's bad behavior was real, but it was not about ME, but about XH's inability to tolerate success (which it may well have been). (In your case, the relationship between your improved health and Gabe's bad behavior was not about YOU, but about Gabe's inability to tolerate living with a more secure partner.)
In the first case, the worry about X or weight loss is to be dismissed.
In the second case, the worry about X or weight loss is to be dismissed TOO. Because, ultimately, the sick co-dependence involved damages all involved parties (and their children) FAR MORE than the pain of growth that actually gets us to a better place.
You don't stay with an abuser. You don't stay with someone who can only tolerate a life of misery with you.
I think the BIGGEST part of getting unstuck/unblocked is simply recognizing the damaging association in our minds.
I was like WOW I HAD NO IDEA that was holding me back. But once I saw it, BAM. It was gone.
So you Mish. Smash that connection. YOU SEE IT. YOU HAVE IT IN YOUR SIGHTS. THIS IS MEGA-HUGE!!!!!
