We started marriage counseling & now he wants out

[25yearsmlc]

I had an IC session today that felt really empowering while I was in session. But now that I am home I am so sad, just cried in the shower so my S4 wouldn't see me. She said that she really believes that he never loved me the way I love him.

Get a new c. Sorry but I've had it with these "throw in the towel and start fresh" people who know nothing of solving TOUGH problems.

If it is at all complicated or takes more than a month, they tell you to bolt or accept it, b/c THEY don't know what else to say or do. THEY get frustrated and can't support long term efforts...

Explain DBing to the ones you interview and that you would greatly prefer saving the marriage/family and you want help to leave no stone unturned.

IF it comes to divorce THEN they can help you adjust and accept...

I mean
She's a mind reader who can see into your h's heart in the past?? Good grief.

And having her as YOUR Ind counselor AND HIS - AND the marriage's is, imo a conflict of interest.


She said to believe what he is doing right now ( looking for a place to move out to, seeing a divorce lawyer), even though we renewed our vows in August and he was sobbing, on and on about how much joy he felt with me.


More mind reading on her end. The fact is this -You DO have to deal with what he's doing now,

but that doesn't mean he isn't conflicted or that your past was all a lie. Sheesh...

She said we both have a lot of issues from childhood that we are dealing with, and we can never have a healthy relationship because he isn't motivated to work on his baggage.

OMG---so go work on YOUR issues with someone who will show you how to be the best YOU...and does not foretell the future with your h in such a dismissve way. Or tell you to give up on a marriage b/c "HE won't play" with you. IF we all thought that we HAD to have our spouses' participation as she says, we'd all be divorced by now.

One tenet of DBing is that YES -ONE person in a two person relationship can change the dynamic in the relationship - by changing themselves...

it's sort of self evident

but so many of us are too busy keeping score about OUR sacrifices and how the other one isn't pulling their weight, and "what about ME and MY needs??"

So we stop doing OUR own work--but don't. Keep working on YOUR STUFF no matter what so you know you will come out of this healthier and stronger and, let's face it MORE attractive...

She says you have childhood issues. (Who doesn't??) Well that's fine - so go work on them when you have time

b/c you are about to have a whole lot more "issues" if your m fails AND So will your kids...

DBing is about doing the behaviors that help the marriage - and fewer or none of the ones that hurt the marriage.

DBing is solution based, it is NOT focussing on your past or the trauma of your childhood
or a personality disorder or the death of a parent...THAT stuff matters but it does not help you OR YOUR MARRIAGE NOW

b/c NOW TODAY--DO WHAT HELPS THE M, AND DON'T TO WHAT HURTS...simple, but radically different for SOME therapists..

so NO, you do NOT HAVE to solve all your childhood issues OR REHASH THE PAST and relive the frickin' nightmares from that time in your life--

to improve your marriage.

Last week our car went to the mechanics. We want to sell the car but we know it has "issues." So the car guy calls with a long list of problems with the car, which is an older car.

I said "fix it enough so it runs and I can sell it' b/c
if we fix ALL the things we think WERE wrong with it in the past AND are now wrong (and assuming we are right the first time)

it'll take forever and TIME MATTERS..." Same for your m. IF you have too many "buttons" or a bad temper, work on it. But the idea of "repairing your childhood in order to work on your m" or making the past all fine, is an unsuccessful strategy.

Ask yourself if your marriage has improved by seeing this MC. She may give you good pep talks to help you realize you really will be alright no matter what your h does b/c in the end, YOU are in charge of your happiness. That's great.

But why give up on the m now? Don't leave any stone unturned and then at least YOU wont' have regrets.

You have children and you want to do right by them. IMO, it'd be smart to Try a MC who is more pro-marriage than this one.


Tell the new one that short of physical danger, you want to give this at least a year (or however long you can do it--or use the divorce timeline as a guide or whatever) and ask for help getting you to that point in time.

So they don't fear that you'll be stuck in one place endlessly seeking their advice on a lost cause--which is THE MC's fear...but if you say "for this amount of time help ME CHANGE into my best self and to be open the m reconciling, then they ought to stop telling you to give up.

I have a huge problem with one counselor treating 3 different conflicting "entities"...

May I ask if she is in her first marriage and if so, whether it's lasted more than 5 years?


She said to just move on with getting healthy and the kids will be ok. I feel like we have failed them as parents. She wants me to move on (she is also his IC and our MC). Sometimes I don't know up from down after I come out of there.

has she read the books of MWD? What's her opinion of them?

Or Retrovaille?

I would not go to MC with a marriage counselor who wasn't intimately familiar with both of these things.


My advice may sound dismissive & I apologize if it does.

But I think one of your marital problems is that you have an unhelpful mc.

That's how I see it. Sorry!